Bullies and Cowards and Taylor Swift

Most of you have likely encountered bullies in your life. Bullies are terrible. Bullies pick on weaker people because it makes them feel good about themselves.

Bullies don't just exist on the playground. Sadly, you will find them in the workplace as well. Bullies sometimes look like the smartest people around. Don't be fooled. This is just a front.  Now there are some legitimately smart people who have anti social quirks. But I am talking about the folks who bark at everyone, mostly to mask the fact that they don't know much. These barkers will likely not bark at their peers, but instead like to find the lower level folks and yell at them instead.  When an exec gets their jollies by yelling at staff, that's bullying. And that's just poor management.

The important thing to know about bullies is that they are really just cowards in disguise. When you confront them about their actions directly, they don't really know what to do.  They usually deny and "apologize".  But either way, once bullies are confronted, they tend to back down.

If you're being bullied, let someone know. If you see someone getting bullied, stand up for them.

I like to take comfort in  the Taylor Swift  song "Mean": All you are is mean. And a liar. And pathetic. And alone in life. And mean.

Preach it.

Dear California

Some people think you're full of hippies and rainbow flags. But other things you brought to my life this week include:

Champagne with pop rocks in it: This was described as an adrenaline rush "Sometimes something explodes in your mouth and sometimes it doesn't." Heh.

A bartender a hipster speakeasy:  You didn't like talking to the girls who thought they were the Kardashians. When they asked where they could score some pot, you said "on the streets". And then you said "you know, it's not legal" and they said "but it's not illegal".  Your disdain for them trying to break the rules melted my heart a little. Also, you had the best brunch suggestion ever.

Golden Gate Park:  I'm not so much "into nature", but not a bad way to spend 6 miles of your time.

Cable Cars:  I don't understand it, but I like it.

Honesty:  There was one honest cab driver who stopped the meter because he was lost and didn't want to overcharge for his mistake. 10 points for honesty, sir.

Napa:  Pretty much all of it.  It's beautiful, people are friendly, and there is wine everywhere.  Who doesn't like that?

Cute Boys:  Dear Chateau Montelena, you have some charming boys who entertained us during the tasting. I appreciate both the banter (Tiger vs. Lance in a game of "Who's more terrible?") and the honesty ("you can drink this cab with a cheeseburger"). And your knowledge of Texas stuff was impressive.

Following Directions

Recently, I almost burned down a hotel room and a friend of mine by lighting a fire in the fireplace. The instructions said "light the bag".  So, I did. The room started filling with smoke and the alarms went off. So, I opened the door to let out the smoke and the alarm stopped, but it was too late. The room was full of smoke.

After airing out the room for a bit, I closed the door and smoke started billowing out into the room again. Hmm...the flue is open, what could be wrong? I called the front desk to let them know of my predicament and the question was "did you leave the door open for 5 minutes while you lit the bag?" No. The instructions just say light. the. bag. Why would I do anything else? "Oh well, just leave the door open till it airs out". So...I should leave the door open, in the middle of the night, in the middle of nowhere, because I followed instructions? I did for awhile, but eventually closed the door to keep out potential killers. And bugs. And cold air.

At breakfast the next morning, folks were complaining that they smelled smoke all night and didn't have their fireplace on. (Oops). So, I let the morning front desk staff know that my room smells like the inside of a barbeque pit. They asked "did you leave the door open for five minutes?"  I just looked blankly and said "no, I didn't know to do that cause it wasn't on the instructions. And all night, the room smelled like smoke." The response was "you should have kept the door open".

Why bother with instructions if they are wrong? It's like people who cook a turkey for the first time and don't know you have to remove the bag of stuff from the inside. The only way you would know is if you've done it before or if it's in the instructions.I don't think the folks at Butterball would make you feel as dumb as this hotel staff did. Fail.

Oh Beautiful for Gluten Skies

I understand passing food fads. I have tried them all: carbs are good, meat is bad; meat is good, carbs are evil; don't eat eggs, eggs are good fat; have olestra - it's magic, oh wait, you are leaking poo.

However, being gluten free is one I don't get. Some people legitimately have allergies to ...something. Roger that. However, some folks just try new things and then get wildly passionate about them. I was on a flight and the person next to me asked for a bag of nuts. Upon receiving the bag, she inspected it and sighed loudly."This bag of nuts has wheat. That's what's wrong with America."

Wait. THAT'S what's wrong with America? Not an economic crisis, high unemployment rate, our kids not being competitive with other countries? She went on to explain that she doesn't have an allergy, she's just trying no gluten. Then shut up. Maybe that's what's wrong with America. You try a fad and then expect everyone around you to cater to your whims. Not. Interested.

Bossy Skirt Part 2

For the most part, I love my job. It's interesting, it's different everyday, and I generally work with great people. However, I'm not sure how, but there have been a handful of people I have run into that don't seem to like to work. 

A work week is 40 hours. There is a lot that can be accomplished in 40 hours. If you were given 40 hours to work on an assignment, it would not be in good form to tell your boss that you could not get it accomplished because you suffered from "time constraints". 

You know what I could do in 40 hours? 

• Bake 40 cakes. 
• Watch the Back to the Future trilogy 7 times in a row. 
• Watch every episode of Man Men. 
• Read a whole book. A big one.

So why, prey tell, would you not be able to accomplish a single assignment in 40 hours? Because you don't want to. And that is really annoying. If you're bad at work because you don't understand, fine. If you are bad at work because you are lazy or uninterested, it may be time for one of us to find a new job. And I have a helpful hint, it's probably not me. So please do me a favor of shaping up or shipping out.

BW

Bitches be Crazy

People throw around the word "bitch" meaning, in general, some rude chick. But there are different types of bitches and they come in all different styles. Here are a few of my recent favorites. Please feel free to add some of your own as well.

1.) The Lazy Bitch - Really? You can't walk 10 feet to return your cart to the appropriate area in the grocery store parking lot?  I hope that karma puts a ding in your perfect, humorously large shiny black SUV, since you put your cart in the empty spot next to you, taking a perfectly good space in a prime location when it's hot as balls outside. 


2.) The Stupid Bitch - If you aren't a theater nerd, you probably aren't aware that there is actually a Phantom of the Opera Part 2.  In the original Phantom, Christine is kidnapped, terrorized, assaulted and psychologically abused by the Phantom.  So, in Part 2, the Phantom writes her an "anonymous" letter and gets her to visit him. This is a classic Lifetime Movie scenario. Why would you go meet the Phantom? He tried to ruin your life, molest you and nearly killed your husband. By all means, this is the perfect gentlemen to introduce your child [er - his child] to.  Idiot.


3.) The Drunk Bitch - Due to recent events, I am not referring to your girlfriend who gets so tipsy at a bar that she rubs her vagina on strangers. No. I'm talking to you, Drunk Bitch, who broke my car.  I understand that you have no license or insurance and don't really care what you did to our cars.  But, do you really want to have killed us? Oh, no? Really? Then DONT FREAKING DRINK AND DRIVE.


4.) The "I had no idea you thought I was being a bitch" Bitch - You are a special breed. The type who espouses that women should be leaders. But, that's just for show. In reality, every woman to you is a threat. Especially if she is younger, prettier, smarter, or somehow, all three. So, you want to take those women who dare to be better than you down. By petty and personal attacks. You are the reason boys don't want us to be in charge of things. You are proof that girls are mean and would rather tear each other down than work together. Well congratulations faux-feminista, you just set us back 100 years. It will be a miracle if they still let us vote this year, much less hold jobs other than homemaker and seamstress. 

Really, Patti? Really?

This week for the first time, I watched the Millionaire Matchmaker. And I am officially obsessed with the show since I have watched 10 episodes in the past 5 days. I realize that I am 5 years behind, but I think this show is hilarious and Patti is wise.  However, I am a little unsure about her judgment after what I saw today.

There was this chauvinist pig man who was looking for a woman who would sit at home and have his babies and make tortillas. Patti, quite rightly, is appalled by this, and she wants to introduce him to a friend of hers who can balance work and family. And he introduces her to....Tori Spelling?

Now, I'm not a hater, but Tori Spelling isn't really the classic working mom. I mean, her Dad created a media empire and produced the majority of TV shows that have resonated with me in life. I love Tori...see "Mother May I Sleep With Danger", but really, you couldn't find a working mom that doesn't have a billion dollars?

On another note, Patti has all of these rules about dating. One of them is "no sex without monogamy".  So, she asks the group to answer the question "no sex without..." and all the girls scream "condoms".  Patti and I both looked disappointed.  Sigh.

My Friend's Husband

Dear My Friend's Husband,

Yes. I am single. I've been single for quite a few years. Yes, I am in my early 30s. Yes, I opted to not have sex in a few years too. While that would be nice, I know that too many problems and drama can come from it and I've had other things on my mind. There's plenty of dudes who would have sex with me - I'm just not willing to settle.  I also have you as an example - an example of the shitty men that exist in this world.

Every time you see me, you don't need to ask me, "So, have you found someone yet?" If I did, you aren't the first person on my list that I'd call to tell. You aren't even near the middle of the list. More than likely, you'd find out after I got married or via your wife who is my friend.

Now, we've established we aren't close. So, when we go out and you basically offer me to your ugly friend with the statement: "Hey, she hasn't been laid in awhile - you should go talk to her." I will be offended. Plus, your friend is ugly. Sure, I could have sex with him, but that sure as hell doesn't mean I want to. I also judge him on the fact that he is YOUR friend. So no, I don't need you to "set me up" with someone.

When time passes and I'm still single, do not assume that must mean I am a lesbian. I am not. But if I were, I'd be the best damn lesbian I could be. Then you'd probably make tacky jokes about joining in or trying to make me and my assumable hot girlfriend make out in front of you. You are that sad of a man. Grow up. You are close to forty and have teenage kids.

Sincerely,
Your wife's single friend.

Dear Friend with a shitty husband,

I understand that at times you will stand up for me against your husband, and I assume that this time, you know - the time you bitched me out for standing up for myself against his demeaning comments -  you just didn't hear everything he said. I will have that much faith in our friendship.

However, your husband is a dick. I know you are married to him and I respect the institution of marriage. If this means that you will side with him when he's gross towards me, I'll respect that. That just means I cannot be your friend.

I'll miss you,
Friend tired of your gross husband.

Things That Make Me Feel Old

Seeing a commercial for Now That's What I Call Music 39. THIRTY NINE! Ugh. I remember when it all started.

Bossy Pants....er..Bossy Skirt

I recently received a promotion at work. It includes absorbing a new team, getting new functions and overall, having alot more to do. No problem. Easy cheesy.

So, I met with the head of my new team and our first meeting was....awkward. This chick doesn't know she sucks or why she needs a boss.  And her first question for me was "Do we have a problem?"  Me: "No, why do you ask?" Her: "Well, you're my boss now".

Um....awkward.

So, the meeting doesn't go well. It's all, I don't want to have to do anymore work or any different work and oh by the way, we all need raises. Yeah, that's not how it works here. And by "here", I mean "everywhere".

Then I had my second meeting. I told her my ideas and asked for feedback. The response to my ideas was "we'll see".

This may come as a shock, but I actually do prefer working with people who want to work with me. The default is don't be bossy or mean at work. But, the last straw was when I said that I needed a white paper from her and her team on thier background and the response I got was "sorry, we're busy." I asked what they were working on and the response was basically, stuff.


I. Am. Getting. Pissed. Off.

At this point, I'm a little worried. But I guess the worst case scenario is that everyone quits. So, who needs a new job? I may have openings soon.

Stay tuned for what is sure to be the exciting adventures of BossySkirt.

Life Lessons from Lifetime Movies

Let's face it. When there is nothing on tv and you're flipping channels, you may see a flash of a 90s era star (probably from an Aaron Spelling drama) and wonder "what is Donna doing? Why is Valerie running through the woods in a tank top? Why is Zack Morris with Hilary Swank and Six from Blossom?"

These questions will lead to trouble. You will stay on the channel for a little under 90 seconds and then realize, crap, this is a Lifetime Movie. And it's awesome.

After revealing that we had all inadvertently been sucked into these situations, we decided to embrace our love for cheezy movies and provide all of you with our Top Ten list of Life Lessons from Lifetime Movies. If you need additional information, I suggest that you watch the show that each of these lessons comes from. If you don't have time, then do not leave the house or go on a date without printing out this list and referring to it often.

Here are your lessons in no particular order. Don't say we didn't warn you.

1. If you wake up one day and you are missing a leg and a hand, you're probably a twin and suffer from stigmata. (From I Know Who Killed Me, starring Lindsay Lohan and Lindsay Lohan).

2. If you have a fake, electronic leg, plug it in every night. (From I Know Who Killed Me, starring Lindsay Lohan and Lindsay Lohan).

3. If you're in a dude's hotel room and don't know his name and then sneak a peek at his driver's license and then google his name and then see that he's wanted for murder, close your browser before he gets outta the shower or he may kill you. (From Justice for Natalee Holloway, starring no one really famous, but it did have Max from Gilmore Girls).

4. If you're Tori Spelling and you're starring as a a cheerleader in a bad movie, Kelly Martin is probably going to be jealous and stab you. (From A Friend to Die For, starring the incomparable Tori Spelling and the sweet girl from Life Goes On.)

5. If your mom hates your boyfriend, it's probably because he stole some other dude's life and killed him. (From Mother May I Sleep with Danger?, starring, of course, Tori Spelling).

6. If you want to be in a sorority and you're kind of a loser, expect to accidentally (on purpose) fall off a building after drinking too much. (From Dying to Belong, starring Oscar-winner Hilary Swank, Six from Blossom and my boyfriend, Mark-Paul Gosselaar (aka, Zack Morris).

7. If a boy says he's in college at Penn State, he really means he's locked up in the State Pen. (From The Boy She Met Online, starring no one you've ever heard of).

8. If your kidnapper lets you call a friend so people know you're still alive, call your parents' house and just ask for your mom by her first name; he'll never know. (From Taken in Broad Daylight, starring James Van Der Beek, aka Dawson).

9. Ladies, please be sure to wear proper shoes and sports bra when you go to the woods with a boy. He's going to try to kill you and chase you through the woods. (This is a general lesson that you need to know. It does not feel good to run in slow motion without a bra.)

10. Gentlemen, if you are married and want to have a one-time affair with a girl and never talk to her again, don't. Please be advised that she is going to terrorize you for the rest of your life. (This is a general lesson for dudes. If the chick says, oh, it's cool, I won't get clingy and crazy, she's lying. Don't believe us? See: Amy Fisher.)

The Power of Imagination

Sometimes when the automatic doors at a business take a real long time to open for me, I pretend it must be because I am really skinny.

Where to Store Your Sunglasses

I can tell you one place that is not the answer to that. It is NOT the back of your head. You look like a douche. Even if Especially because Guy Fieri does it.

Drinking While Pregnant: NOT Okay

I've noticed a trend lately with friends and friends of friends who are pregnant. Several of these women will drink alcohol while they are pregnant.

WHAT THE FUCK?!

Call me old fashioned. Call me judgey. Call me whatever. I just *do not* think that is okay. I think you are selfish to not take 40 weeks out of your LIFE to help ensure that your baby develops appropriately.

The Inspiration for Black Swan

Not only did Flock of Seagulls inspire one of the greatest tv hairstyles of the 80s, their video for I Ran HAD to inspire Black Swan:

Black Swan Make-up

The I Ran Make-up

 The same.

Here's the full video so you can 1) understand where I'm coming from, and 2) enjoy an awesome 80's song.

Bootcamp Blues

You know what sucks worse than getting up for a 5:30am bootcamp? Being there bright and early and your instructor doesn't show. I could've still been in bed! Oh well, tomorrow is another day.

Shut up, Sarah McLachlan

Those of you who know me know that I love dogs. I have two and one of them is a rescue. So please forgive me for this, but I can't be the only one who does this...

I immediately change the channel every time Sarah McLachlan's "In the Arms of an Angel" comes on and there's what seems like a twenty minute ad for the SPCA with the most pathetic looking dogs ever gazing longingly into the camera as if your 60 cents a day would save their life.  I was trying to watch some inane stand up on Comedy Central, not CRY! I will go down one channel and watch Ice-T loves Coco for a bit, then switch back. Frankly, I don't appreciate the blatant emotional manipulation, Sarah.

Coming This Fall...

I would imagine with us, this won't be the last post about fall TV...

I'm excited to see the new fall lineup on many stations. One of the shows I'm excited about is The New Girl on FOX. But I'm sad that the dude from Happy Endings is in it. Does that mean no more Happy Endings? (That's what Avril said.)

I am concerned that they put all of the funny parts of The New Girl into the teaser for the show.

That's always the worst when they do that. Like that movie with the little girl that just won an award for saying, "I wanna get chocolate wasted!" I'm pretty sure that was the best part of that movie, and you just showed it to us for free. Note: I have never seen that movie.

<3,
UB

Why is it...

That Cee Lo Green dressed like this on The Voice:

Was he trying to look like a Red Bowser from Super Mario Brothers? Cause that's all I can think about.

Tacky Time?

So, Time Magazine did this in "honor" of what would have been Princess Diana's 50th birthday:

They digitally imaged an estimation of what Diana would look like at 50 and photoshopped her into a photo walking with Catherine, Dutchess of Cornwall. Hmmm, I'm not quite sure how I feel about this. For one, I think I can get why they did it - it would be her 50th birthday, royal family headlines have ignited since Prince William's engagement and marriage, and many probably have wondered what the royal's life would be like if Diana was still alive. At the same time, I'm a little creeped out that they did this. When I first say it, my face immediately contorted into stink face. I feel like it's intrusive and assuming. I can't imagine that Catherine feels ok being associated with this picture and I can't imagine that Princes William and Harry feel ok about it. What are your thoughts?