My Friend's Husband

Dear My Friend's Husband,

Yes. I am single. I've been single for quite a few years. Yes, I am in my early 30s. Yes, I opted to not have sex in a few years too. While that would be nice, I know that too many problems and drama can come from it and I've had other things on my mind. There's plenty of dudes who would have sex with me - I'm just not willing to settle.  I also have you as an example - an example of the shitty men that exist in this world.

Every time you see me, you don't need to ask me, "So, have you found someone yet?" If I did, you aren't the first person on my list that I'd call to tell. You aren't even near the middle of the list. More than likely, you'd find out after I got married or via your wife who is my friend.

Now, we've established we aren't close. So, when we go out and you basically offer me to your ugly friend with the statement: "Hey, she hasn't been laid in awhile - you should go talk to her." I will be offended. Plus, your friend is ugly. Sure, I could have sex with him, but that sure as hell doesn't mean I want to. I also judge him on the fact that he is YOUR friend. So no, I don't need you to "set me up" with someone.

When time passes and I'm still single, do not assume that must mean I am a lesbian. I am not. But if I were, I'd be the best damn lesbian I could be. Then you'd probably make tacky jokes about joining in or trying to make me and my assumable hot girlfriend make out in front of you. You are that sad of a man. Grow up. You are close to forty and have teenage kids.

Sincerely,
Your wife's single friend.

Dear Friend with a shitty husband,

I understand that at times you will stand up for me against your husband, and I assume that this time, you know - the time you bitched me out for standing up for myself against his demeaning comments -  you just didn't hear everything he said. I will have that much faith in our friendship.

However, your husband is a dick. I know you are married to him and I respect the institution of marriage. If this means that you will side with him when he's gross towards me, I'll respect that. That just means I cannot be your friend.

I'll miss you,
Friend tired of your gross husband.

I am not a people person

So, I have a job where I have to work with people everyday. I answer questions, I provide advice and counsel and I make a difference. And I'm really good at it. The problem is, I think I have decided that I generally don't like people. 

People are stupid. And they ask you asinine questions.  One person in particular who I will just call "annoying staffer" has a habit of emailing me a document to review then immediately calling me to get feedback. I constantly have to explain "I haven't read it yet. You just sent it. And then you called." 

Annoying staffer also gives the deadline of ASAP....and then calls every few minutes for updates. If the answer is due NOW, then I will make something up and be done with it. If you in fact want proper review and feedback from my team, it will take longer than 3 minutes. 

Oh, and when given the deadline of ASAP to say, draft a document to be submitted, maybe don't make such a request if it's midnight and you know that we are going to miss the deadline anyway. Work for work's sake is really much less fun than it used to be.

On second thought, I actually am a people person. I'm just not a stupid people person. So, if you can think of a job where I don't have to deal with those, please let me know. Someday, I am going to turn into Anna Wintour or Cruella de Vil or the mean lady from the Devil Wears Prada. And guess what, I am going to OWN it.

How dumb are you?!?!

I had an appointment for my client and I to meet with [super important business person]. After 25 minutes [super important business person] had not shown up. I called [super important business person] because, like I said, it was super important. 

"Hi, I was checking to see if you were on your way my to my office."

"I was there and no one was there. I rang the door bell."

"We don't have a door bell, so I don't think you were here."

"The one at [location]."

"Yeah. I've been here since 8:30. Did you knock on the door?"

"The blinds were open, but no one ever answered the door."

"Did you try calling my office?"

"No. I didn't have my computer since I was in my truck. I just got to my office. I can come back. It's only 15 minutes away."

"That would be greatly appreciated. And it's a business so you can just walk in."

"Well, it wasn't labeled, so I was nervous."

"Well I'm telling you, it's a business; you can just walk in."

 

To be fair, here is a picture of our "doorbell." The one that after our phone conversation I went outside and discovered. In case you can't tell from the black and white photo, it has been painted over and covered in dust since the Mesozoic Era. I wish I could capture the feeling of pushing the button. It does not FEEL like a working doorbell. Why would a WORKING doorbell be painted over and crusty? When you pushed the button, did you hear it ring? And why would a BUSINESS (like mine) have a doorbell? 

Also, do you just go, "Oh, I guess nobody is home. [shrug]" or do you, like a non-lazy, responsible person would, call the business/business-person you were supposed to meet with about the super important issue and find out where they are? You didn't have your computer? So what?! You have an iPhone AND a Blackberry. PICK ONE and Google it. I called you numerous times and left you messages with my number. You should be able to find it in your phone(s). I also sent you numerous emails that contain my contact information. I know for a fact that your email goes to your phone(s). You also have an assistant back at YOUR office who you can call that has my contact information. You and/or your assistant also have my client's contact information. I get that you may think my client is a flake and bailed on you, but I'm a [professional] for crying out loud. 

Our office didn't have a sign so you were nervous?! You are a [job title]. If you are scared of a clean, professional, wholesome business at [location] during the daylight, then you should not be a [job title]. Plain and simple. Boom, fired.