Life Lessons from Lifetime Movies

Let's face it. When there is nothing on tv and you're flipping channels, you may see a flash of a 90s era star (probably from an Aaron Spelling drama) and wonder "what is Donna doing? Why is Valerie running through the woods in a tank top? Why is Zack Morris with Hilary Swank and Six from Blossom?"

These questions will lead to trouble. You will stay on the channel for a little under 90 seconds and then realize, crap, this is a Lifetime Movie. And it's awesome.

After revealing that we had all inadvertently been sucked into these situations, we decided to embrace our love for cheezy movies and provide all of you with our Top Ten list of Life Lessons from Lifetime Movies. If you need additional information, I suggest that you watch the show that each of these lessons comes from. If you don't have time, then do not leave the house or go on a date without printing out this list and referring to it often.

Here are your lessons in no particular order. Don't say we didn't warn you.

1. If you wake up one day and you are missing a leg and a hand, you're probably a twin and suffer from stigmata. (From I Know Who Killed Me, starring Lindsay Lohan and Lindsay Lohan).

2. If you have a fake, electronic leg, plug it in every night. (From I Know Who Killed Me, starring Lindsay Lohan and Lindsay Lohan).

3. If you're in a dude's hotel room and don't know his name and then sneak a peek at his driver's license and then google his name and then see that he's wanted for murder, close your browser before he gets outta the shower or he may kill you. (From Justice for Natalee Holloway, starring no one really famous, but it did have Max from Gilmore Girls).

4. If you're Tori Spelling and you're starring as a a cheerleader in a bad movie, Kelly Martin is probably going to be jealous and stab you. (From A Friend to Die For, starring the incomparable Tori Spelling and the sweet girl from Life Goes On.)

5. If your mom hates your boyfriend, it's probably because he stole some other dude's life and killed him. (From Mother May I Sleep with Danger?, starring, of course, Tori Spelling).

6. If you want to be in a sorority and you're kind of a loser, expect to accidentally (on purpose) fall off a building after drinking too much. (From Dying to Belong, starring Oscar-winner Hilary Swank, Six from Blossom and my boyfriend, Mark-Paul Gosselaar (aka, Zack Morris).

7. If a boy says he's in college at Penn State, he really means he's locked up in the State Pen. (From The Boy She Met Online, starring no one you've ever heard of).

8. If your kidnapper lets you call a friend so people know you're still alive, call your parents' house and just ask for your mom by her first name; he'll never know. (From Taken in Broad Daylight, starring James Van Der Beek, aka Dawson).

9. Ladies, please be sure to wear proper shoes and sports bra when you go to the woods with a boy. He's going to try to kill you and chase you through the woods. (This is a general lesson that you need to know. It does not feel good to run in slow motion without a bra.)

10. Gentlemen, if you are married and want to have a one-time affair with a girl and never talk to her again, don't. Please be advised that she is going to terrorize you for the rest of your life. (This is a general lesson for dudes. If the chick says, oh, it's cool, I won't get clingy and crazy, she's lying. Don't believe us? See: Amy Fisher.)