Picky

I had this conversation with a male friend of mine today. One of his rants went a little something like this:

"There are so many guys out there. You women are just too fuckin picky. You could trip on 8 willing dicks on a [1/2-mile] walk[.] I'm sure one of them would be fit for a little while at least. A lot harder for a man these days. Especially one with no [dating] skills whatsoever anymore."

You bet your sweet ass I'm picky!

Have you seen THIS?! (Well, no you haven't lovely blogosphere of mine, but trust me. It's cute.) THIS is amazing, inside and out. I'm not going to just take whatever happens to thrust in my general direction. And besides...of my circle(s) of friends, I'm middle-of-the-road picky. There are more and less picky girls out there besides me.

Anyway, all this got me to thinking. What is it that I'm picky about? I'm beyond the age of hooking up. For the most part, I'm beyond the point of "getting" boys just for the sake of getting them. So what is it that I'm looking for? What do I want?

First of all, I'm very cautious about the "happily ever after." I'm not really sure it still exists in 2011. Part personal experience and part jaded from exposure to the world. It's going to take a lot for me to get married. I've had friends who have married and been really confident that he's "the one." I know that whatever kind of love it is that they are feeling is nothing I've ever experienced. I'm also not about wasting time with the wrong dude. I don't need to date just to date. Lastly, my ideal situation would be to be friends with a dude and that turns into a lovely relationship. I don't like seeking out strangers.

So here it is. My list.

-Has a job. Dudes like to hate all the time because chicks want the guy with the good job, the dude with ambition who can pay their telephone bills. Thanks Beyonce. Whatever. I want you to have a j-o-b. I don't care if you are the cute boy doing construction outside my office window (shout-out!) or a Wall Street banker. Just pay your own way in life.

-Doesn't live in his parents' house. An exception is made for older parents who live with him because they are ailing. I don't care if a dude rents and has a roommate or owns a house and lives alone. Just be self-sufficient.

-Hasn't done time. County, state, or federal. This is totally based on personal experience. Been there, tried that. I would say this could be flexible, but I think it's probably best for me to have this bright-line rule.

-Doesn't currently use drugs or have any desire to use them in the future. We all have a past. Maybe yours includes drugs of some sort. Fine. But not now. That's not okay with me. The sheer illegality is a huge turn-off.

-Doesn't regularly smoke cigarettes. Drunk with your buddies may be one thing. Habitual use is another. I'm just not going to get involved in that. Because then there will be all this resentment. And then when I get knocked up and you don't stop smoking, that's really going to piss me off that you choose yourself over your baby.

-Isn't butt-ugly. Cute points can be made up by funny points.

-Confident. Be who you are. Proudly.


I think one of the things boys don't realize, is that there is a whole other list. A list of characteristics or attributes that are not deal-breakers. It's more of a scaled list of what I'm more attracted to. A dude can be those things up there, but I can still not be attracted. I don't think I have to settle on a dude that's not a deal-breaker just because he's not a deal-breaker.

The dude I'm attracted to is:

-Funny. I am totally in love with David Letterman, despite him being my father's age and not-so-hot. Why? Because he has made me laugh for years.

-Protective. I like a dude that's going to look out for me physically. That is something that has to be ingrained in him as a child. You don't have to be, and in fact I prefer that you not be, the dude that gets in a fight because some tool looked at me funky. But I'm your most-prized possession and you should treat me as such.

-Manly/macho. You should not have more hair product than me. You should always be ready to take care of the cockroaches for me. You should take out the trash.

-Girthy. HAHAHA. I didn't know how else to say that. You cannot wear a shirt smaller than a large. You need to feel and look like a man.


I think this second list limits the pool of people I am willing to date and then I look for those within that have/don't have those deal-breakers.

Btw, if you think THIS is picky, invite me over for a bottle of wine and get me to list for you the FULL list. The list of things if I were building my perfect dude; it's long and complicated, but hot-damn he is perfect (for me)! While I may be demanding and picky, I am not near what I could be. And for that you should be thankful.

Boys You Should NOT Date #1--The White-SUV Driver

Really, nothing good is going to come of you dating a boy who drives a white SUV.

Exhibit A--OJ Simpson: white Ford Bronco. This is a very infamous story. If you watch the video, there's some audio of a conversation between OJ and the homicide detective trying to stop him.

Exhibit B--Unknown Scary Man: white Jeep Cherokee. In 2008, some douchebags torched the Texas Governor's Mansion. Regardless of what you think of any politician, that's not cool to target and (partially) destroy an awesomely historic building from 1854. The idiots that did this, took photos of the mansion a few days before from a white Jeep Cherokee, allegedly casing the joint. If you google it and find the videos, one of the geniuses that takes the pictures is doing so at 2am with a flash. What the hell do you think you are going to see from hundreds of feet away at 2am with a flash?!


Exhibit C--Another Unknown Scary Man: white Ford Explorer. Early in the morning on June 12, 2011, a pedestrian was shot on East 5th Street in Austin, Texas. Apparently one of the dudes in the Explorer got into an argument with the pedestrian and shot him. Now granted, that's probably a drug deal gone bad, but it's still another white SUV with a shady dude inside.

Police Looking for Shooting Suspects: MyFoxAUSTIN.com

Mourning the Boy[Space]Friend

Growing up I was one of those girls that hung out with the dudes and all the chicks hated because I was so chill. I was totally, without a doubt, one of the guys. I grew up with boys in my household. I hung with boys almost exclusively. In fact, it wasn't until much later in life that I really began to learn how to be friends with girls; actually, I'm still learning. 


Boy[space]friends are good for several reason. Casual flirtation is a essential part of life. Girls that are used to being around boys can casually flirt no problem. Flirting is fun. It's necessary. It makes life more interesting and playful. Usually the chicks who are anti-flirtation are those than only have one setting to flirting: I'm-going-to-bed-you flirting. Sad. 


It's good to have a boy[space]friend you can confide in for a different opinion. Chicks and dudes have completely different thought processes. Girl friends can so easily (and with good intentions) turn into yes-men. No one needs yes-men 24/7. Sometimes it's nice to have a dude that's going to tell you the honest truth, even if it hurts your feelings. 


There's also a level of comfort and compassion a boy[space]friend can provide that a female friend cannot. And no, not in the dirty sense. In the everything-is-going-to-be-okay sense. Sometimes the presence of a dude can just make you feel safe. Chicks can't always do that. 


But now I'm looking around my life and realize that somehow all of my platonic male friends have gone missing. So where are they? Some of them never grew up. Still running the same childish game from ten years ago. You can call them up at anytime, but you don't really want to. They'll still be talking about high school and doing things that most people have long grown out of. Some of them you just grew apart from. Lost touch over the years for no good reason. Some are married and/or have children, making a full-time friendship with a single chick somewhat inappropriate/unrealistic/questionable/etc.


It's just sad that it happens. And there's no way to fix it.

When gorillas walk they leave behind knuckle-prints.

Gorillas can walk upright; this is not new news. But did you know they also carry guns, drive pickups, and pay taxes from time to time? It's true; bulltrue, in fact.  SO.  I went on a date tonight. A first date! Kinda. Unless you count that *other* first date that was super fun, but was coffee and breakfast, followed by several months of radio silence. Ahem. But I digress...

I'm not a very girly girl. It's neither a point of pride nor a source of shame; it is what it is. 'Just is. But what's fun about going out with the knuckle-dragger that I had dinner with tonight is that he makes. me. feel. like a SUPER girly-girl. I still can't decide if I love him or hate him, but that's what relationships are all about, right? Passion? In any event, it's fun to feel girly, especially since I have trouble doing it on my own. So, knuckle-boy, despite all my reservations about you (i.e., not reading books; preferring anything meat over non-meat; being an anti-Obama birther -- you get the point), I would like to thank you for bringing me back to the primal state of how things *might* should probably be: you, Tarzan; me, Jane.

Btw, I haven't even watched this 2-minute clip, but I thought it might be appropriate anyway. Enjoy.

Language Barrier

DAMMIT, I need to learn Spanish!

[Boy] and I were texting. Mainly me playing mind games with him. Yeah, I'm Ultra Bitch. He asked me to call him. He answers the phone and I said, "What do you want?"  He said "SpanishSpanishSpanishSpanish, mi amor?" I giggled and hung up. 

I couldn't even catch a single part of it to google. Flirting Fail.