My Friend's Husband

Dear My Friend's Husband,

Yes. I am single. I've been single for quite a few years. Yes, I am in my early 30s. Yes, I opted to not have sex in a few years too. While that would be nice, I know that too many problems and drama can come from it and I've had other things on my mind. There's plenty of dudes who would have sex with me - I'm just not willing to settle.  I also have you as an example - an example of the shitty men that exist in this world.

Every time you see me, you don't need to ask me, "So, have you found someone yet?" If I did, you aren't the first person on my list that I'd call to tell. You aren't even near the middle of the list. More than likely, you'd find out after I got married or via your wife who is my friend.

Now, we've established we aren't close. So, when we go out and you basically offer me to your ugly friend with the statement: "Hey, she hasn't been laid in awhile - you should go talk to her." I will be offended. Plus, your friend is ugly. Sure, I could have sex with him, but that sure as hell doesn't mean I want to. I also judge him on the fact that he is YOUR friend. So no, I don't need you to "set me up" with someone.

When time passes and I'm still single, do not assume that must mean I am a lesbian. I am not. But if I were, I'd be the best damn lesbian I could be. Then you'd probably make tacky jokes about joining in or trying to make me and my assumable hot girlfriend make out in front of you. You are that sad of a man. Grow up. You are close to forty and have teenage kids.

Sincerely,
Your wife's single friend.

Dear Friend with a shitty husband,

I understand that at times you will stand up for me against your husband, and I assume that this time, you know - the time you bitched me out for standing up for myself against his demeaning comments -  you just didn't hear everything he said. I will have that much faith in our friendship.

However, your husband is a dick. I know you are married to him and I respect the institution of marriage. If this means that you will side with him when he's gross towards me, I'll respect that. That just means I cannot be your friend.

I'll miss you,
Friend tired of your gross husband.

My Love Letter to Tina Fey

Dear Tina,

As everyone around me knows, I love you. Your skits on SNL (particularly this one and this one) always made me laugh; 30 Rock filled a void in my heart that Fox created when they cancelled Arrested Development and today, I pre-ordered your upcoming book Bossypants.

First of all, what other actress would be ballsy enough to use this picture on her book? Second, this is the first time I have ever pre-ordered a book outside of one that had the words Harry and Potter in the title.  When ordering the book I noticed these reviews (submitted by you I'm sure) on the site:

ADVANCE PRAISE FOR BOSSYPANTS:

"I hope that's not really the cover. That's really going to hurt sales." (Don Fey, Father of Tina Fey )

"Absolutely delicious!" (A Guy Who Eats Books )

"Totally worth it." (Trees )

Pure genius. On top of being intelligent and hilarious, you seem to have a happy home life while at the same time are able to hire guest actors to play your tv boyfriends (which, by the way, you have impeccable taste - Michael Sheen, Matt Damon and Jon Hamm.) You are my idol.

I really look forward to your book, Tina. Thanks for telling it like it is and getting Brian Williams on 30 Rock so often. He is hilarious.

Love,
LL