My Friend's Husband

Dear My Friend's Husband,

Yes. I am single. I've been single for quite a few years. Yes, I am in my early 30s. Yes, I opted to not have sex in a few years too. While that would be nice, I know that too many problems and drama can come from it and I've had other things on my mind. There's plenty of dudes who would have sex with me - I'm just not willing to settle.  I also have you as an example - an example of the shitty men that exist in this world.

Every time you see me, you don't need to ask me, "So, have you found someone yet?" If I did, you aren't the first person on my list that I'd call to tell. You aren't even near the middle of the list. More than likely, you'd find out after I got married or via your wife who is my friend.

Now, we've established we aren't close. So, when we go out and you basically offer me to your ugly friend with the statement: "Hey, she hasn't been laid in awhile - you should go talk to her." I will be offended. Plus, your friend is ugly. Sure, I could have sex with him, but that sure as hell doesn't mean I want to. I also judge him on the fact that he is YOUR friend. So no, I don't need you to "set me up" with someone.

When time passes and I'm still single, do not assume that must mean I am a lesbian. I am not. But if I were, I'd be the best damn lesbian I could be. Then you'd probably make tacky jokes about joining in or trying to make me and my assumable hot girlfriend make out in front of you. You are that sad of a man. Grow up. You are close to forty and have teenage kids.

Sincerely,
Your wife's single friend.

Dear Friend with a shitty husband,

I understand that at times you will stand up for me against your husband, and I assume that this time, you know - the time you bitched me out for standing up for myself against his demeaning comments -  you just didn't hear everything he said. I will have that much faith in our friendship.

However, your husband is a dick. I know you are married to him and I respect the institution of marriage. If this means that you will side with him when he's gross towards me, I'll respect that. That just means I cannot be your friend.

I'll miss you,
Friend tired of your gross husband.

Mourning the Boy[Space]Friend

Growing up I was one of those girls that hung out with the dudes and all the chicks hated because I was so chill. I was totally, without a doubt, one of the guys. I grew up with boys in my household. I hung with boys almost exclusively. In fact, it wasn't until much later in life that I really began to learn how to be friends with girls; actually, I'm still learning. 


Boy[space]friends are good for several reason. Casual flirtation is a essential part of life. Girls that are used to being around boys can casually flirt no problem. Flirting is fun. It's necessary. It makes life more interesting and playful. Usually the chicks who are anti-flirtation are those than only have one setting to flirting: I'm-going-to-bed-you flirting. Sad. 


It's good to have a boy[space]friend you can confide in for a different opinion. Chicks and dudes have completely different thought processes. Girl friends can so easily (and with good intentions) turn into yes-men. No one needs yes-men 24/7. Sometimes it's nice to have a dude that's going to tell you the honest truth, even if it hurts your feelings. 


There's also a level of comfort and compassion a boy[space]friend can provide that a female friend cannot. And no, not in the dirty sense. In the everything-is-going-to-be-okay sense. Sometimes the presence of a dude can just make you feel safe. Chicks can't always do that. 


But now I'm looking around my life and realize that somehow all of my platonic male friends have gone missing. So where are they? Some of them never grew up. Still running the same childish game from ten years ago. You can call them up at anytime, but you don't really want to. They'll still be talking about high school and doing things that most people have long grown out of. Some of them you just grew apart from. Lost touch over the years for no good reason. Some are married and/or have children, making a full-time friendship with a single chick somewhat inappropriate/unrealistic/questionable/etc.


It's just sad that it happens. And there's no way to fix it.