My Friend's Husband

Dear My Friend's Husband,

Yes. I am single. I've been single for quite a few years. Yes, I am in my early 30s. Yes, I opted to not have sex in a few years too. While that would be nice, I know that too many problems and drama can come from it and I've had other things on my mind. There's plenty of dudes who would have sex with me - I'm just not willing to settle.  I also have you as an example - an example of the shitty men that exist in this world.

Every time you see me, you don't need to ask me, "So, have you found someone yet?" If I did, you aren't the first person on my list that I'd call to tell. You aren't even near the middle of the list. More than likely, you'd find out after I got married or via your wife who is my friend.

Now, we've established we aren't close. So, when we go out and you basically offer me to your ugly friend with the statement: "Hey, she hasn't been laid in awhile - you should go talk to her." I will be offended. Plus, your friend is ugly. Sure, I could have sex with him, but that sure as hell doesn't mean I want to. I also judge him on the fact that he is YOUR friend. So no, I don't need you to "set me up" with someone.

When time passes and I'm still single, do not assume that must mean I am a lesbian. I am not. But if I were, I'd be the best damn lesbian I could be. Then you'd probably make tacky jokes about joining in or trying to make me and my assumable hot girlfriend make out in front of you. You are that sad of a man. Grow up. You are close to forty and have teenage kids.

Sincerely,
Your wife's single friend.

Dear Friend with a shitty husband,

I understand that at times you will stand up for me against your husband, and I assume that this time, you know - the time you bitched me out for standing up for myself against his demeaning comments -  you just didn't hear everything he said. I will have that much faith in our friendship.

However, your husband is a dick. I know you are married to him and I respect the institution of marriage. If this means that you will side with him when he's gross towards me, I'll respect that. That just means I cannot be your friend.

I'll miss you,
Friend tired of your gross husband.

Things That Make Me Feel Old

Seeing a commercial for Now That's What I Call Music 39. THIRTY NINE! Ugh. I remember when it all started.

Bossy Pants....er..Bossy Skirt

I recently received a promotion at work. It includes absorbing a new team, getting new functions and overall, having alot more to do. No problem. Easy cheesy.

So, I met with the head of my new team and our first meeting was....awkward. This chick doesn't know she sucks or why she needs a boss.  And her first question for me was "Do we have a problem?"  Me: "No, why do you ask?" Her: "Well, you're my boss now".

Um....awkward.

So, the meeting doesn't go well. It's all, I don't want to have to do anymore work or any different work and oh by the way, we all need raises. Yeah, that's not how it works here. And by "here", I mean "everywhere".

Then I had my second meeting. I told her my ideas and asked for feedback. The response to my ideas was "we'll see".

This may come as a shock, but I actually do prefer working with people who want to work with me. The default is don't be bossy or mean at work. But, the last straw was when I said that I needed a white paper from her and her team on thier background and the response I got was "sorry, we're busy." I asked what they were working on and the response was basically, stuff.


I. Am. Getting. Pissed. Off.

At this point, I'm a little worried. But I guess the worst case scenario is that everyone quits. So, who needs a new job? I may have openings soon.

Stay tuned for what is sure to be the exciting adventures of BossySkirt.

Life Lessons from Lifetime Movies

Let's face it. When there is nothing on tv and you're flipping channels, you may see a flash of a 90s era star (probably from an Aaron Spelling drama) and wonder "what is Donna doing? Why is Valerie running through the woods in a tank top? Why is Zack Morris with Hilary Swank and Six from Blossom?"

These questions will lead to trouble. You will stay on the channel for a little under 90 seconds and then realize, crap, this is a Lifetime Movie. And it's awesome.

After revealing that we had all inadvertently been sucked into these situations, we decided to embrace our love for cheezy movies and provide all of you with our Top Ten list of Life Lessons from Lifetime Movies. If you need additional information, I suggest that you watch the show that each of these lessons comes from. If you don't have time, then do not leave the house or go on a date without printing out this list and referring to it often.

Here are your lessons in no particular order. Don't say we didn't warn you.

1. If you wake up one day and you are missing a leg and a hand, you're probably a twin and suffer from stigmata. (From I Know Who Killed Me, starring Lindsay Lohan and Lindsay Lohan).

2. If you have a fake, electronic leg, plug it in every night. (From I Know Who Killed Me, starring Lindsay Lohan and Lindsay Lohan).

3. If you're in a dude's hotel room and don't know his name and then sneak a peek at his driver's license and then google his name and then see that he's wanted for murder, close your browser before he gets outta the shower or he may kill you. (From Justice for Natalee Holloway, starring no one really famous, but it did have Max from Gilmore Girls).

4. If you're Tori Spelling and you're starring as a a cheerleader in a bad movie, Kelly Martin is probably going to be jealous and stab you. (From A Friend to Die For, starring the incomparable Tori Spelling and the sweet girl from Life Goes On.)

5. If your mom hates your boyfriend, it's probably because he stole some other dude's life and killed him. (From Mother May I Sleep with Danger?, starring, of course, Tori Spelling).

6. If you want to be in a sorority and you're kind of a loser, expect to accidentally (on purpose) fall off a building after drinking too much. (From Dying to Belong, starring Oscar-winner Hilary Swank, Six from Blossom and my boyfriend, Mark-Paul Gosselaar (aka, Zack Morris).

7. If a boy says he's in college at Penn State, he really means he's locked up in the State Pen. (From The Boy She Met Online, starring no one you've ever heard of).

8. If your kidnapper lets you call a friend so people know you're still alive, call your parents' house and just ask for your mom by her first name; he'll never know. (From Taken in Broad Daylight, starring James Van Der Beek, aka Dawson).

9. Ladies, please be sure to wear proper shoes and sports bra when you go to the woods with a boy. He's going to try to kill you and chase you through the woods. (This is a general lesson that you need to know. It does not feel good to run in slow motion without a bra.)

10. Gentlemen, if you are married and want to have a one-time affair with a girl and never talk to her again, don't. Please be advised that she is going to terrorize you for the rest of your life. (This is a general lesson for dudes. If the chick says, oh, it's cool, I won't get clingy and crazy, she's lying. Don't believe us? See: Amy Fisher.)

The Power of Imagination

Sometimes when the automatic doors at a business take a real long time to open for me, I pretend it must be because I am really skinny.

Where to Store Your Sunglasses

I can tell you one place that is not the answer to that. It is NOT the back of your head. You look like a douche. Even if Especially because Guy Fieri does it.

Drinking While Pregnant: NOT Okay

I've noticed a trend lately with friends and friends of friends who are pregnant. Several of these women will drink alcohol while they are pregnant.

WHAT THE FUCK?!

Call me old fashioned. Call me judgey. Call me whatever. I just *do not* think that is okay. I think you are selfish to not take 40 weeks out of your LIFE to help ensure that your baby develops appropriately.