Some people think you're full of hippies and rainbow flags. But other things you brought to my life this week include:
Champagne with pop rocks in it: This was described as an adrenaline rush "Sometimes something explodes in your mouth and sometimes it doesn't." Heh.
A bartender a hipster speakeasy: You didn't like talking to the girls who thought they were the Kardashians. When they asked where they could score some pot, you said "on the streets". And then you said "you know, it's not legal" and they said "but it's not illegal". Your disdain for them trying to break the rules melted my heart a little. Also, you had the best brunch suggestion ever.
Golden Gate Park: I'm not so much "into nature", but not a bad way to spend 6 miles of your time.
Cable Cars: I don't understand it, but I like it.
Honesty: There was one honest cab driver who stopped the meter because he was lost and didn't want to overcharge for his mistake. 10 points for honesty, sir.
Napa: Pretty much all of it. It's beautiful, people are friendly, and there is wine everywhere. Who doesn't like that?
Cute Boys: Dear Chateau Montelena, you have some charming boys who entertained us during the tasting. I appreciate both the banter (Tiger vs. Lance in a game of "Who's more terrible?") and the honesty ("you can drink this cab with a cheeseburger"). And your knowledge of Texas stuff was impressive.
Sunday, January 27, 2013
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Following Directions
Recently, I almost burned down a hotel room and a friend of mine by lighting a fire in the fireplace. The instructions said "light the bag". So, I did. The room started filling with smoke and the alarms went off. So, I opened the door to let out the smoke and the alarm stopped, but it was too late. The room was full of smoke.
After airing out the room for a bit, I closed the door and smoke started billowing out into the room again. Hmm...the flue is open, what could be wrong? I called the front desk to let them know of my predicament and the question was "did you leave the door open for 5 minutes while you lit the bag?" No. The instructions just say light. the. bag. Why would I do anything else? "Oh well, just leave the door open till it airs out". So...I should leave the door open, in the middle of the night, in the middle of nowhere, because I followed instructions? I did for awhile, but eventually closed the door to keep out potential killers. And bugs. And cold air.
At breakfast the next morning, folks were complaining that they smelled smoke all night and didn't have their fireplace on. (Oops). So, I let the morning front desk staff know that my room smells like the inside of a barbeque pit. They asked "did you leave the door open for five minutes?" I just looked blankly and said "no, I didn't know to do that cause it wasn't on the instructions. And all night, the room smelled like smoke." The response was "you should have kept the door open".
Why bother with instructions if they are wrong? It's like people who cook a turkey for the first time and don't know you have to remove the bag of stuff from the inside. The only way you would know is if you've done it before or if it's in the instructions.I don't think the folks at Butterball would make you feel as dumb as this hotel staff did. Fail.
After airing out the room for a bit, I closed the door and smoke started billowing out into the room again. Hmm...the flue is open, what could be wrong? I called the front desk to let them know of my predicament and the question was "did you leave the door open for 5 minutes while you lit the bag?" No. The instructions just say light. the. bag. Why would I do anything else? "Oh well, just leave the door open till it airs out". So...I should leave the door open, in the middle of the night, in the middle of nowhere, because I followed instructions? I did for awhile, but eventually closed the door to keep out potential killers. And bugs. And cold air.
At breakfast the next morning, folks were complaining that they smelled smoke all night and didn't have their fireplace on. (Oops). So, I let the morning front desk staff know that my room smells like the inside of a barbeque pit. They asked "did you leave the door open for five minutes?" I just looked blankly and said "no, I didn't know to do that cause it wasn't on the instructions. And all night, the room smelled like smoke." The response was "you should have kept the door open".
Why bother with instructions if they are wrong? It's like people who cook a turkey for the first time and don't know you have to remove the bag of stuff from the inside. The only way you would know is if you've done it before or if it's in the instructions.I don't think the folks at Butterball would make you feel as dumb as this hotel staff did. Fail.
Oh Beautiful for Gluten Skies
I understand passing food fads. I have tried them all: carbs are good, meat is bad; meat is good, carbs are evil; don't eat eggs, eggs are good fat; have olestra - it's magic, oh wait, you are leaking poo.
However, being gluten free is one I don't get. Some people legitimately have allergies to ...something. Roger that. However, some folks just try new things and then get wildly passionate about them. I was on a flight and the person next to me asked for a bag of nuts. Upon receiving the bag, she inspected it and sighed loudly."This bag of nuts has wheat. That's what's wrong with America."
Wait. THAT'S what's wrong with America? Not an economic crisis, high unemployment rate, our kids not being competitive with other countries? She went on to explain that she doesn't have an allergy, she's just trying no gluten. Then shut up. Maybe that's what's wrong with America. You try a fad and then expect everyone around you to cater to your whims. Not. Interested.
However, being gluten free is one I don't get. Some people legitimately have allergies to ...something. Roger that. However, some folks just try new things and then get wildly passionate about them. I was on a flight and the person next to me asked for a bag of nuts. Upon receiving the bag, she inspected it and sighed loudly."This bag of nuts has wheat. That's what's wrong with America."
Wait. THAT'S what's wrong with America? Not an economic crisis, high unemployment rate, our kids not being competitive with other countries? She went on to explain that she doesn't have an allergy, she's just trying no gluten. Then shut up. Maybe that's what's wrong with America. You try a fad and then expect everyone around you to cater to your whims. Not. Interested.
Sunday, December 30, 2012
Bossy Skirt Part 2
For the most part, I love my job. It's interesting, it's different everyday, and I generally work with great people. However, I'm not sure how, but there have been a handful of people I have run into that don't seem to like to work.
A work week is 40 hours. There is a lot that can be accomplished in 40 hours. If you were given 40 hours to work on an assignment, it would not be in good form to tell your boss that you could not get it accomplished because you suffered from "time constraints".
You know what I could do in 40 hours?
- Bake 40 cakes.
- Watch the Back to the Future trilogy 7 times in a row.
- Watch every episode of Man Men.
- Read a whole book. A big one.
So why, prey tell, would you not be able to accomplish a single assignment in 40 hours? Because you don't want to. And that is really annoying. If you're bad at work because you don't understand, fine. If you are bad at work because you are lazy or uninterested, it may be time for one of us to find a new job. And I have a helpful hint, it's probably not me. So please do me a favor of shaping up or shipping out.
BW
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Bitches be Crazy
People throw around the word "bitch" meaning, in general, some rude chick. But there are different types of bitches and they come in all different styles. Here are a few of my recent favorites. Please feel free to add some of your own as well.
1.) The Lazy Bitch - Really? You can't walk 10 feet to return your cart to the appropriate area in the grocery store parking lot? I hope that karma puts a ding in your perfect, humorously large shiny black SUV, since you put your cart in the empty spot next to you, taking a perfectly good space in a prime location when it's hot as balls outside.
2.) The Stupid Bitch - If you aren't a theater nerd, you probably aren't aware that there is actually a Phantom of the Opera Part 2. In the original Phantom, Christine is kidnapped, terrorized, assaulted and psychologically abused by the Phantom. So, in Part 2, the Phantom writes her an "anonymous" letter and gets her to visit him. This is a classic Lifetime Movie scenario. Why would you go meet the Phantom? He tried to ruin your life, molest you and nearly killed your husband. By all means, this is the perfect gentlemen to introduce your child [er - his child] to. Idiot.
3.) The Drunk Bitch - Due to recent events, I am not referring to your girlfriend who gets so tipsy at a bar that she rubs her vagina on strangers. No. I'm talking to you, Drunk Bitch, who broke my car. I understand that you have no license or insurance and don't really care what you did to our cars. But, do you really want to have killed us? Oh, no? Really? Then DONT FREAKING DRINK AND DRIVE.
4.) The "I had no idea you thought I was being a bitch" Bitch - You are a special breed. The type who espouses that women should be leaders. But, that's just for show. In reality, every woman to you is a threat. Especially if she is younger, prettier, smarter, or somehow, all three. So, you want to take those women who dare to be better than you down. By petty and personal attacks. You are the reason boys don't want us to be in charge of things. You are proof that girls are mean and would rather tear each other down than work together. Well congratulations faux-feminista, you just set us back 100 years. It will be a miracle if they still let us vote this year, much less hold jobs other than homemaker and seamstress.
1.) The Lazy Bitch - Really? You can't walk 10 feet to return your cart to the appropriate area in the grocery store parking lot? I hope that karma puts a ding in your perfect, humorously large shiny black SUV, since you put your cart in the empty spot next to you, taking a perfectly good space in a prime location when it's hot as balls outside.
2.) The Stupid Bitch - If you aren't a theater nerd, you probably aren't aware that there is actually a Phantom of the Opera Part 2. In the original Phantom, Christine is kidnapped, terrorized, assaulted and psychologically abused by the Phantom. So, in Part 2, the Phantom writes her an "anonymous" letter and gets her to visit him. This is a classic Lifetime Movie scenario. Why would you go meet the Phantom? He tried to ruin your life, molest you and nearly killed your husband. By all means, this is the perfect gentlemen to introduce your child [er - his child] to. Idiot.
3.) The Drunk Bitch - Due to recent events, I am not referring to your girlfriend who gets so tipsy at a bar that she rubs her vagina on strangers. No. I'm talking to you, Drunk Bitch, who broke my car. I understand that you have no license or insurance and don't really care what you did to our cars. But, do you really want to have killed us? Oh, no? Really? Then DONT FREAKING DRINK AND DRIVE.
4.) The "I had no idea you thought I was being a bitch" Bitch - You are a special breed. The type who espouses that women should be leaders. But, that's just for show. In reality, every woman to you is a threat. Especially if she is younger, prettier, smarter, or somehow, all three. So, you want to take those women who dare to be better than you down. By petty and personal attacks. You are the reason boys don't want us to be in charge of things. You are proof that girls are mean and would rather tear each other down than work together. Well congratulations faux-feminista, you just set us back 100 years. It will be a miracle if they still let us vote this year, much less hold jobs other than homemaker and seamstress.
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Really, Patti? Really?
This week for the first time, I watched the Millionaire Matchmaker. And I am officially obsessed with the show since I have watched 10 episodes in the past 5 days. I realize that I am 5 years behind, but I think this show is hilarious and Patti is wise. However, I am a little unsure about her judgment after what I saw today.
There was this chauvinist pig man who was looking for a woman who would sit at home and have his babies and make tortillas. Patti, quite rightly, is appalled by this, and she wants to introduce him to a friend of hers who can balance work and family. And he introduces her to....Tori Spelling?
Now, I'm not a hater, but Tori Spelling isn't really the classic working mom. I mean, her Dad created a media empire and produced the majority of TV shows that have resonated with me in life. I love Tori...see "Mother May I Sleep With Danger", but really, you couldn't find a working mom that doesn't have a billion dollars?
On another note, Patti has all of these rules about dating. One of them is "no sex without monogamy". So, she asks the group to answer the question "no sex without..." and all the girls scream "condoms". Patti and I both looked disappointed. Sigh.
There was this chauvinist pig man who was looking for a woman who would sit at home and have his babies and make tortillas. Patti, quite rightly, is appalled by this, and she wants to introduce him to a friend of hers who can balance work and family. And he introduces her to....Tori Spelling?
Now, I'm not a hater, but Tori Spelling isn't really the classic working mom. I mean, her Dad created a media empire and produced the majority of TV shows that have resonated with me in life. I love Tori...see "Mother May I Sleep With Danger", but really, you couldn't find a working mom that doesn't have a billion dollars?
On another note, Patti has all of these rules about dating. One of them is "no sex without monogamy". So, she asks the group to answer the question "no sex without..." and all the girls scream "condoms". Patti and I both looked disappointed. Sigh.
Friday, December 9, 2011
My Friend's Husband
Dear My Friend's Husband,
Yes. I am single. I've been single for quite a few years. Yes, I am in my early 30s. Yes, I opted to not have sex in a few years too. While that would be nice, I know that too many problems and drama can come from it and I've had other things on my mind. There's plenty of dudes who would have sex with me - I'm just not willing to settle. I also have you as an example - an example of the shitty men that exist in this world.
Every time you see me, you don't need to ask me, "So, have you found someone yet?" If I did, you aren't the first person on my list that I'd call to tell. You aren't even near the middle of the list. More than likely, you'd find out after I got married or via your wife who is my friend.
Now, we've established we aren't close. So, when we go out and you basically offer me to your ugly friend with the statement: "Hey, she hasn't been laid in awhile - you should go talk to her." I will be offended. Plus, your friend is ugly. Sure, I could have sex with him, but that sure as hell doesn't mean I want to. I also judge him on the fact that he is YOUR friend. So no, I don't need you to "set me up" with someone.
When time passes and I'm still single, do not assume that must mean I am a lesbian. I am not. But if I were, I'd be the best damn lesbian I could be. Then you'd probably make tacky jokes about joining in or trying to make me and my assumable hot girlfriend make out in front of you. You are that sad of a man. Grow up. You are close to forty and have teenage kids.
Sincerely,
Your wife's single friend.
Dear Friend with a shitty husband,
I understand that at times you will stand up for me against your husband, and I assume that this time, you know - the time you bitched me out for standing up for myself against his demeaning comments - you just didn't hear everything he said. I will have that much faith in our friendship.
However, your husband is a dick. I know you are married to him and I respect the institution of marriage. If this means that you will side with him when he's gross towards me, I'll respect that. That just means I cannot be your friend.
I'll miss you,
Friend tired of your gross husband.
Yes. I am single. I've been single for quite a few years. Yes, I am in my early 30s. Yes, I opted to not have sex in a few years too. While that would be nice, I know that too many problems and drama can come from it and I've had other things on my mind. There's plenty of dudes who would have sex with me - I'm just not willing to settle. I also have you as an example - an example of the shitty men that exist in this world.
Every time you see me, you don't need to ask me, "So, have you found someone yet?" If I did, you aren't the first person on my list that I'd call to tell. You aren't even near the middle of the list. More than likely, you'd find out after I got married or via your wife who is my friend.
Now, we've established we aren't close. So, when we go out and you basically offer me to your ugly friend with the statement: "Hey, she hasn't been laid in awhile - you should go talk to her." I will be offended. Plus, your friend is ugly. Sure, I could have sex with him, but that sure as hell doesn't mean I want to. I also judge him on the fact that he is YOUR friend. So no, I don't need you to "set me up" with someone.
When time passes and I'm still single, do not assume that must mean I am a lesbian. I am not. But if I were, I'd be the best damn lesbian I could be. Then you'd probably make tacky jokes about joining in or trying to make me and my assumable hot girlfriend make out in front of you. You are that sad of a man. Grow up. You are close to forty and have teenage kids.
Sincerely,
Your wife's single friend.
Dear Friend with a shitty husband,
I understand that at times you will stand up for me against your husband, and I assume that this time, you know - the time you bitched me out for standing up for myself against his demeaning comments - you just didn't hear everything he said. I will have that much faith in our friendship.
However, your husband is a dick. I know you are married to him and I respect the institution of marriage. If this means that you will side with him when he's gross towards me, I'll respect that. That just means I cannot be your friend.
I'll miss you,
Friend tired of your gross husband.
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