I am not a people person

So, I have a job where I have to work with people everyday. I answer questions, I provide advice and counsel and I make a difference. And I'm really good at it. The problem is, I think I have decided that I generally don't like people. 

People are stupid. And they ask you asinine questions.  One person in particular who I will just call "annoying staffer" has a habit of emailing me a document to review then immediately calling me to get feedback. I constantly have to explain "I haven't read it yet. You just sent it. And then you called." 

Annoying staffer also gives the deadline of ASAP....and then calls every few minutes for updates. If the answer is due NOW, then I will make something up and be done with it. If you in fact want proper review and feedback from my team, it will take longer than 3 minutes. 

Oh, and when given the deadline of ASAP to say, draft a document to be submitted, maybe don't make such a request if it's midnight and you know that we are going to miss the deadline anyway. Work for work's sake is really much less fun than it used to be.

On second thought, I actually am a people person. I'm just not a stupid people person. So, if you can think of a job where I don't have to deal with those, please let me know. Someday, I am going to turn into Anna Wintour or Cruella de Vil or the mean lady from the Devil Wears Prada. And guess what, I am going to OWN it.

Good Morning George, How Are You?

You know what I hate? I hate the stupid pleasantries you have to add to professional emails so that people don't (read tone [incorrectly?] into your email and) think you are a mean bitch. A straightforward email that looks like this:

Katie,

Please send me the documents on the Jones file.

Sincerely,

Me

Turns into something much more like this:

Hello Katie,

I hope you are doing well. Please send me the documents on the Jones file when you have an opportunity.

Thank you,

Me

I would refuse to do it, but as it turns out, people don't want to help bitches as much as they do (fake) nice people.

Words, Yo.

So here’s the thing: words are important. I’m really big on communication and like to believe that I’m fairly good at communicating clearly. In fact, my job depends on my ability to persuade people with my communication skills. I have to use my words and my questions to solicit information to tell a story.

A couple of things I want to point out. First, ASAP is not the same as NOW or IMMEDIATELY. People who say ASAP when they really mean “Now” really bother me. It’s like they are too weak to buck up and tell someone that whatever they need is more important. I don’t like people who are weak. There, I said it. I don’t think that makes me a bad person.

Second, there’s nothing wrong with being honest and telling someone how you feel. Granted, there are things like tact that can make the delivery more appropriate. At the same time, I tend to be a pick-your-battles kind of person. I’m not going to blurt out every feeling or opinion I have just because I have it. That's what children do.

Lastly, say what you mean and mean what you say. That's kind of tied into the first point up there but whatever. I shouldn't have to fish around trying to figure out what you really are trying to say because you don't want to say it. Be forthright with your words. I'm going to find out eventually. Just man up and say it so that we can deal with whatever needs to be dealt with and move on with life.

Maybe I just hate sissies. Hmmm, that's a thought.

Mourning the Boy[Space]Friend

Growing up I was one of those girls that hung out with the dudes and all the chicks hated because I was so chill. I was totally, without a doubt, one of the guys. I grew up with boys in my household. I hung with boys almost exclusively. In fact, it wasn't until much later in life that I really began to learn how to be friends with girls; actually, I'm still learning. 


Boy[space]friends are good for several reason. Casual flirtation is a essential part of life. Girls that are used to being around boys can casually flirt no problem. Flirting is fun. It's necessary. It makes life more interesting and playful. Usually the chicks who are anti-flirtation are those than only have one setting to flirting: I'm-going-to-bed-you flirting. Sad. 


It's good to have a boy[space]friend you can confide in for a different opinion. Chicks and dudes have completely different thought processes. Girl friends can so easily (and with good intentions) turn into yes-men. No one needs yes-men 24/7. Sometimes it's nice to have a dude that's going to tell you the honest truth, even if it hurts your feelings. 


There's also a level of comfort and compassion a boy[space]friend can provide that a female friend cannot. And no, not in the dirty sense. In the everything-is-going-to-be-okay sense. Sometimes the presence of a dude can just make you feel safe. Chicks can't always do that. 


But now I'm looking around my life and realize that somehow all of my platonic male friends have gone missing. So where are they? Some of them never grew up. Still running the same childish game from ten years ago. You can call them up at anytime, but you don't really want to. They'll still be talking about high school and doing things that most people have long grown out of. Some of them you just grew apart from. Lost touch over the years for no good reason. Some are married and/or have children, making a full-time friendship with a single chick somewhat inappropriate/unrealistic/questionable/etc.


It's just sad that it happens. And there's no way to fix it.

Pet Peeve of the Day

I work at a desk. In the corner of my desk there is a mug full of (let me count) TEN pens for other people to use. I HATE when people either 1) ask to use the pen in my hand or even worse 2) REACH for and GRAB the pen out of my hand. There are pens RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU!

It has become so common that I am even getting annoyed by saying, "There are pens right there for you to use."

I've had many thoughts as to how to curb this: somehow fashion a pen that has a live electrical source so that it can shock anyone who tries to grab my pen, create a pair of handcuffs with one side fit for a wrist and the other side tiny enough to securely hold on to a pen, or lick my pen right in front of other people so they won't try and grab it (I decided that wouldn't stop anyone).

Alas, I will probably have to continue to direct people to the mug of pens right in front of them until I can rig it so a Acme anvil drops out of the sky anytime they try to take my pen.

Fate Gave Me a Message

In an effort to be healthy I stopped on my way to work this morning to pick up two apples: one for today's lunch and one to leave at work for tomorrow's lunch. So, I ate my salad and picked up my organic braeburn apple and bit into what ended up being rotten mush inside a deceivingly lovely outside.

I take this as fates way of telling me to eat a candy bar instead. Thanks, fate.

Hail to the Nanny!

Those of you who know me know that I have an unnatural affection for the TV show, "The Nanny".   Some people think Fran Drescher's voice is annoying, but I, for one, find it soothing enough to fall asleep to.

Ms. Drescher has a local talk show in New York and is getting a syndicated nationwide show in the fall. (Called "Tawk Show".)  She recently announced that she is frustrated with the progress the President has been making and thinks she may want to parlay her show into a run for political office.

Oh Fran, we're kindred spirits.

I also have things to say and could use a TV show.  I also am "the lady in red when everybody else is wearing tan". And I also think that, given the chance, I could be a better politician than some of the folks we currently have in office.

I will offer one piece of advice for you, though. During a recent interview, Fran talked about what her show would be about. She said “I’m going to talk about women who were raped because I was raped, also vegans and whether or not that’s a good thing. I’m not a vegan, but I’m curious about it...”   Oh Fran, those things are not the same. I love a good non sequiter, but let's work on your talking points.

Regardless of the quotes, I'm on board for your campaign. Hail to the Nanny!

Is it you?!

Wednesday I got an email from my mother with the subject "IS IT YOU." Now, without reading the email I figured this was just another stupid forwarded email from my mother. You know the kind. We all have that baby-boomer generation family member(s) that forwards those the-world-is-going-to-end-unless-you-forward-this-to-five-people emails that are in 16pt., multi-colored Comic Sans font. My brother and I usually delete those without reading. I opened this one just to be sure.

Here's what it said:
good morning,

 

there is a pic of two girls, ONE BRUNETTE AND ONE BLONDE in the HEB May Monthly Book, filled with recipes and such that looks just you—even how she is taking a pic of her and a blonde lady—IS IT YOU???

I saved this email because I just HAD to know what this girl looked like. What if she was ugly? And that's what my mother really thinks of me?!?!?! So today I finally went to HEB's website. I was so nervous. I just knew this chick was going to be busted and look nothing like me.

Okay, so she wasn't COMPLETELY off base and this chick doesn't appear to have anything growing out of her face. But really, mother? "Photos: Courtesy of Calallen High School." No, that is not me.

Plus, I would TOTALLY tell you if I was an HEB model.

Pet Peeve of the Day

Today I was thinking about how many things irk me and realized, "I should share this with the world!" Ok, really it's just for me to vent and feel a teensy bit better. Welcome to the newest reoccurring post: Pet Peeve of the Day!

Today's PPotD: People who choose to either stop or have whole conversations in doorways. I'm not talking about someone coming to your office and stopping in the doorway to chat. I'm talking about people choosing the doorway connecting two relatively busy places as the perfect setting for small talk. People need to walk through there! Move!

Almost everyday it happens that I need to go someone (most likely the bathroom) and people are blocking the entrance and I get shot the "stop interrupting us" glare. Excuse me?! Excuse you! [That reminds me of a future Pet Peeve of the Day: People who try and have conversations with me in the bathroom.]

Can you choose a better place to stand next time please?

Trump was Trumped

In the past few weeks, we’ve seen a lot of nastiness from Donald Trump regarding our current President. I’m no fan, but I don’t question his birth certificate, or his academic abilities to get into Harvard. There has been so much back and forth, you’d think that Paris and Nicole were fighting:


You weren’t born here!

Your hair is ridiculous!

You weren’t smart enough to be in the Ivy Leagues!

You’re a sellout!


And then Sunday night, the best thing happened: Obama preempted the Celebrity Apprentice.


Now, you may think that the leader of the free world has better things to do than to fight with a dufus. (Like hunting down and killing Bin Laden...well done, by the way. It’s about time). However, according to reports, Bin Laden was killed at 2:40pm central time. Then, the White House folks started contacting Congress and other fancy folks. Then, they wanted to tell all of us. They started telling us in the crawl at the bottom of the screen around 9:30pm central time. And then, during one of the dramatic fights in the boardroom, just as Nene was really getting riled up, they switched to the news around 9:40pm. Did the President speak right then? Nope. He waited a good 30-40 minutes before his address began.


I’m not saying that he purposely preempted the Apprentice to poke at Trump. I’m not saying that he could have started the news cycle when the news actually begins at 10pm, and still would have had time to spare. I’m just saying that if he did want to poke at Trump by overshadowing his TV show, this was an excellent way to do it.


Your move Trump.