Living Single

It’s getting harder and harder to be single. Not because I’m lonely; and definitely not because I feel like I need a man in my life. I’m getting tired of being on the receiving end of “The Talk.*” Not the birds and the bees talk, but the talk single women (and maybe single men) get when their friends, coworkers, distant relatives, close relatives, and even strangers find out you are single.

For example:

Cousin’s jerky husband: So, you got man yet?

Me (looking around in semi-shock, trying hard not to laugh, wondering where the hell this came from – we were talking about lunch before this): Umm, no.

Cousin’s jerky husband: You’ll find someone one day. I swear it! And when you do it will be so great! I can’t wait.

Really?! Cause I can. I’ve seen how many times your wife has cried and spent sleepless nights upset because of something you’ve done. I’ve also seen how much money of hers you’ve blown so I’m ok delaying finding that person that you think will be great for me.

Another example:

Coworker and I talking about a weird couple we just had to help that fought the whole time.

Me: Well, I guess that goes to show there’s someone in the world for everyone.

Coworker: You’ll find someone one day. I promise!

What part of you and I dealing with two crazy annoying people who obviously hated each other makes you think my statement was at all me pitying myself? Sheesh.

Third example (my favorite):

New person I am meeting for the first time: Are you dating anyone? Married?

Me: Nope.

New person: What!? But you are so pretty/cute/adorable/gorgeous.

Me: Hm. Then it must be my personality.

It’s always the assumption that I am actively, and desperately, looking for someone and at night I must go home and cry into my glass of wine and talk to my 64 cats about my lonely sad existence.

Look, I can find someone. So can all my beautiful, witty, educated, self-sufficient friends. But let me give you some examples of some of the guys my friends and myself have had dates with or dated in the past:

-          Guy with no job.

-          Guy with crappy job.

-          Guy who cries.

-          Depressed guy (different than crying guy, but he cried too).

-          Guy who assumes you must listen to Matchbox 20 and other soft rock music.

-          Guy who suggested you get bigger boobs.

-          Fat guy who tells you to watch what you eat.

-          Guy who turns out, has a girlfriend!

-          Guy who loves UFC and asked, “Do you even know who Tom Brady is?”

-          Guy who said, “Do you like, read books or something? Ha.”

-          Guy who was a felon.

-          Temper guy.

-          Guy who doesn’t try to kiss you in 5 dates, then buys you lingerie.

-          Guy who you didn’t know you were on a date with (cause he was just your gay friend!) til he tried to make out with you.

These, and a host of others, are people who I am not gonna settle for.  

So, next time you coupled or married people want to give your single friend The Talk, think twice. Wouldn’t you like to be single? Wouldn't you like to have your bed all to yourself? Wouldn’t you like to get up and go without asking permissions of anyone? If you answered yes to any of those questions, don’t give your friend The Talk, remind them how lucky they really are.

*The Talk is usually given with sad eyes and their head slightly tilted to the side.