When gorillas walk they leave behind knuckle-prints.

Gorillas can walk upright; this is not new news. But did you know they also carry guns, drive pickups, and pay taxes from time to time? It's true; bulltrue, in fact.  SO.  I went on a date tonight. A first date! Kinda. Unless you count that *other* first date that was super fun, but was coffee and breakfast, followed by several months of radio silence. Ahem. But I digress...

I'm not a very girly girl. It's neither a point of pride nor a source of shame; it is what it is. 'Just is. But what's fun about going out with the knuckle-dragger that I had dinner with tonight is that he makes. me. feel. like a SUPER girly-girl. I still can't decide if I love him or hate him, but that's what relationships are all about, right? Passion? In any event, it's fun to feel girly, especially since I have trouble doing it on my own. So, knuckle-boy, despite all my reservations about you (i.e., not reading books; preferring anything meat over non-meat; being an anti-Obama birther -- you get the point), I would like to thank you for bringing me back to the primal state of how things *might* should probably be: you, Tarzan; me, Jane.

Btw, I haven't even watched this 2-minute clip, but I thought it might be appropriate anyway. Enjoy.

The Non-Parenting Parents

I work in an office where I give individuals information that will hopefully help them out and (I like to pretend) change their lives for the better. So, I expect that when someone comes to see me, they want to hear what I am saying and recognize that we are both using our time to create some sort of positive outcome. That rarely happens.

There are certain situations that bug me more than others. I just had an encounter with one: The Non-Parenting Parents.

My office is not a playpen. If you have a child and out in the waiting area you need to hold them in your lap for fear they will run away or cause destruction, do not walk into my office and immediately let them roam free. I do not have a child that comes to work with me, therefore my office has not been baby proofed.

If your child is yelling/crying/drooling and I ask the other parent - the one who doesn't need to be in here - to take the child outside, that is my way of saying: Get your yelling kid out of my office so we can get some work done. If the look on my face after you say, "Nah, that's ok" isn't telling enough, then you probably need glasses.

If I ask you to please keep your child on your lap after they threw stuff off my bookshelf or climbed on top of my filing cabinet, please don't tell me, "Just tell her 'no!' - she listens to strangers!" I am NOT your child's mother (and I have had to say that a couple times). AND if your child doesn't listen to you but listens to strangers, never take your child to the zoo (or any public place). Your child will be kidnapped:

     Stranger: Hey kid - come with me.
     Kid: OK!


The stranger wouldn't even have to distract your child with a lollipop. You will be the focus of a Lifetime movie.

There are many people that should not have children. I am not one of those people. I should have children - I'd be an awesome mom. But, I don't want my child growing up with yours -so I'm keeping my womb uninhabited. My kid with your bad seed child as an influence would end up being a whole other Lifetime movie and I'd rather not deal with it.

Petite Lap Giraffes

OMG, I need one!!! They are the cutest tiny animals ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You may have seen them on the Direct TV commercial:

The tiny giraffe is at 0:10 running on the treadmill and again at 0:24 with a tiny little towel around its neck, post-workout.

Or on this Direct TV commercial. He kisses the giraffe at the end.

You can go HERE to the Sokoblovsky Farms website and watch the Giraffe-Cam and see them play. As stated on the Russian website (and read in a Russian accent of course), "If not see him, don't worry he come back." heeeheeeheee!

There's a daddy named Vladmir.

A mommy named Raina.

And maybe another mommy (I don't know the dynamics of petite lap giraffe mating) named Svetlana.

The website notes that they are expecting a baby from Vladmir and Raina in 156 days. However, "this baby reserved by prince for birthday gift."  Dang it! Does anyone else think this is something that Blair should be given by a suitor (not Dan--he could never afford it) on Gossip Girl?

I might (maybe, perhaps) be number 343,695 on the waiting list for a petite lap giraffe. Although I didn't have to enter any information...hmmm. Perhaps this website is all a joke. But I have seen Vladmir on the giraffe-cam. That surly can't be a joke...can it?

What do you think the pet deposit is for a petite lap giraffe in an apartment?

Boot Camp Blues

Running is hard.

Running while holding in a fart is damn near impossible.

Tiny Hats

The internet is a wondrous place. It used to be (you know, in the good ol' days) that you could only experience/laugh at/be ashamed of [the human race] the stupidity of those who you interacted with on a daily basis. It is a terrible thing for cynics, but a wonderful thing for everything else.

Now, I can laugh at and, in this case, be delighted by strangers. For example I came across this on Best Week Ever:


It immediately reminded me of this:


Tiny hats are taking over. Just don't super glue one to your head.

Thoughts That Make Me a Bad Person

I'm pretty sure this could be a recurring post: Thoughts that go through my head and are immediately followed by a wave of guilt for thinking such a thing. 

This morning, I read on CNN that the President will be giving an address regarding our strategy in Libya at 7:30 pm and my immediate thought was:
Oh no! What TV show is this going to preempt?

Pink Power

I just want to thank the person who came up with the pink port-a-potties. No one likes to use a port-a-potty, but there are times when you are at an event and have no other choice. The pink ones are just for women (some are unisex) and it makes such a big difference. Women are just plain neater (I won't go into details). So thank you whomever you are for making a not fun thing a little bit easier to handle.

Good Help is Hard to Find

I was going to be out of the office potentially all day because of a work thing at a different location. So the day before, I sent an email to [secretary] telling her what I needed her to do while I was gone. The email was very detailed and even included photo illustration to aid her in finding the stuff she needed to do (because I know from previous experience that she's stupid).

She emailed me a little before noon to tell me that she had been so busy answering the phones that she hadn't be able to do much of [task]. She was going to go get coffee and then would be back to work on [task]. 

I got done with my work thing around 1:30. I knew that [secretary] probably wouldn't be done with her work yet, so I stayed away to give her more time to complete it. I returned to the office at 3pm. 

SHE HAD NOT TOUCHED [TASK]. At all. Everything was still stacked where it was on Wednesday. Fine if the phone is ringing off the hook that you cannot get up from your desk and move about the office. Fine. But 50% of the task can be accomplished from your desk without getting up. AND (!) we have phones with caller ID and call logs. Between 9:22 and 3:00 when I got back, there were 19 phone calls. That's one call every 17 minutes. That is hardly ringing off the hook. 

She has NO excuse. I want her fired. 

P.S.

Everyone else in my company knows she sucks too. How do I know this? My boss is having me do something today that she (in theory) should be capable of doing. But she can't. If we cannot depend on her, shouldn't she be fired? It's only fair. 

My Boyfriend's Back!

But I'm not in trouble.

For the past two weeks, I have had straight men in my house -- the first week, it was an out-of-town friend from NYC who was here for SXSW. Next, it was my ex from a year or so ago. Yes, we're still friends and we still chat from time-to-time... but why did we break up, you ask? The short answer is: he moved to another state. The long answer is far too uninteresting for outsiders; I'll spare you the details (you're welcome, btw). 

It was strange having him around, but it was only a temporary thing, so neither of us cared enough to freak out about it. Sure, it was fun playing house for a few days and we both benefited from it -- he didn't have to fork out any cash for a hotel room, and I now have a clean kitchen and a freshly mowed front yard.  (Ahem, *yes* I am talking about grass, the green kind.) 

It's been awhile since I've shared space and had any snuggle time with a boy (sidenote: the NYC friend and I are not friends in that way). Strangely, what I noticed was that for every plus there was a minus (tiny imperfections?): I had interrupted sleep from a 6ft tall monster in my bed, but fresh coffee and breakfast made for me in the morning; a stinky boy stinking up my previously un-stinky house, but stereotypical guy chores being completed for me while I plugged away at the office during the day.

His departure this afternoon was met with equally mixed emotions -- I'm glad to have my bed back, but no longer have him around to share dinner with and curl up together on the couch; and even though he may have inconvenienced me a little, he showed his gratitude by replenishing my pantry and tackling my yard. I was excited this evening when, after a really tough brain-draining day, I opened up my fridge to find that he had left behind the best treat of all: a six-pack of beer.  Just what I needed!  Except... that there were only five. Ha.

Out of Office

If you send an email to my work and my automatic Out of Office message gets back to you and states I won't be back in the office until March 23, please don't send me the same email three more times before March 23. That just means I won't actually respond to you until March 27 - cause you are annoying.

UPDATE: I went back and read the emails this person sent. I didn't realize that the third one involved begging: "Please get back to me asap. I really need your help with this." Still not going to make me respond while on vacation [I shouldn't even be checking my email while on vacation. ugh.] . Also, if you are smart enough to find my information on our website, can't you find the website or phone number for someone not on vacation?

Sorry to sound so hateful towards this person who really needs my help with something, but I got a lot more angry when I read that this person wanted me to call them back, "after work hours." No. If you aren't at work then I probably aren't either. However, I wouldn't know that since you didn't include your work hours. Do you work the night shift somewhere or do you work 8-5 like I do? If that is the case, do you want me to stay til 6 (just so I won't call you while commuting) just for you?

I'm also dreading tomorrow because I bet this person also left me about 3 voicemails.

Speed

Don't ask me why, but Speed, starring Keanu Reeves is one of my all time favorite boy movies.  The kind of movie that has everything you could want:

1.) The super hot SWAT guy that you would sled out of a bus for
2.) The Wildcat who rocks a jumper and ankle socks and still gets the super hot SWAT guy
3.) The big Mexican guy.
4.) The tourist.
5.) The asian lady.
6.) The lady with 1950s glasses.
7.) The "I didn't mean to shoot the guy" guy.

This film also includes classic lines like "shoot the hostage", "don't get dead", "bomb on bus" and "I guess he lost his head".

I salute you, Speed.  You and super hot Keanu with his super hot arms. You taught me that I could die from falling through an elevator, exploding on a bus or being decapitated on a subway train. You reminded me that you cannot just pull your hands through handcuffs to get them off. You also taught me that if someone is filming you and tells you not to move, DO NOT PUT DOWN YOUR PURSE.

It's nearly midnight and I've seen this movie 57 times, but I have to know how it ends. Apparently, the moral of the story is, if you're in a perilous situation and you hug Keanu Reeves, everything will be ok. And that's ok with me.

Living Single

It’s getting harder and harder to be single. Not because I’m lonely; and definitely not because I feel like I need a man in my life. I’m getting tired of being on the receiving end of “The Talk.*” Not the birds and the bees talk, but the talk single women (and maybe single men) get when their friends, coworkers, distant relatives, close relatives, and even strangers find out you are single.

For example:

Cousin’s jerky husband: So, you got man yet?

Me (looking around in semi-shock, trying hard not to laugh, wondering where the hell this came from – we were talking about lunch before this): Umm, no.

Cousin’s jerky husband: You’ll find someone one day. I swear it! And when you do it will be so great! I can’t wait.

Really?! Cause I can. I’ve seen how many times your wife has cried and spent sleepless nights upset because of something you’ve done. I’ve also seen how much money of hers you’ve blown so I’m ok delaying finding that person that you think will be great for me.

Another example:

Coworker and I talking about a weird couple we just had to help that fought the whole time.

Me: Well, I guess that goes to show there’s someone in the world for everyone.

Coworker: You’ll find someone one day. I promise!

What part of you and I dealing with two crazy annoying people who obviously hated each other makes you think my statement was at all me pitying myself? Sheesh.

Third example (my favorite):

New person I am meeting for the first time: Are you dating anyone? Married?

Me: Nope.

New person: What!? But you are so pretty/cute/adorable/gorgeous.

Me: Hm. Then it must be my personality.

It’s always the assumption that I am actively, and desperately, looking for someone and at night I must go home and cry into my glass of wine and talk to my 64 cats about my lonely sad existence.

Look, I can find someone. So can all my beautiful, witty, educated, self-sufficient friends. But let me give you some examples of some of the guys my friends and myself have had dates with or dated in the past:

-          Guy with no job.

-          Guy with crappy job.

-          Guy who cries.

-          Depressed guy (different than crying guy, but he cried too).

-          Guy who assumes you must listen to Matchbox 20 and other soft rock music.

-          Guy who suggested you get bigger boobs.

-          Fat guy who tells you to watch what you eat.

-          Guy who turns out, has a girlfriend!

-          Guy who loves UFC and asked, “Do you even know who Tom Brady is?”

-          Guy who said, “Do you like, read books or something? Ha.”

-          Guy who was a felon.

-          Temper guy.

-          Guy who doesn’t try to kiss you in 5 dates, then buys you lingerie.

-          Guy who you didn’t know you were on a date with (cause he was just your gay friend!) til he tried to make out with you.

These, and a host of others, are people who I am not gonna settle for.  

So, next time you coupled or married people want to give your single friend The Talk, think twice. Wouldn’t you like to be single? Wouldn't you like to have your bed all to yourself? Wouldn’t you like to get up and go without asking permissions of anyone? If you answered yes to any of those questions, don’t give your friend The Talk, remind them how lucky they really are.

*The Talk is usually given with sad eyes and their head slightly tilted to the side.

Duh, Hottie!

I was at multi-room dance club/bar for about 10 minutes before dude came to hit on me.

"You're beautiful."
Uh, to quote Mase..."Please, tell me something I don't know."

"I saw you walk through the room. I was sitting at the bar. Did you see me?"
No, I didn't.

Dude was so lame. I don't understand what over-25 boys think. Do you really think I'm going to bed you right here? I'm sure someone has told you that you are not ugly but definitely NOT cute enough for THAT. I am a semi-nice, respectable girl. What the eff?

Then you followed me and my friends outside. Get the hint. Not. Going. To. Happen.

Okay, so I gave you my number. Fine. My fault. I was trying to get you to go away. But your text at 1am, LAME!

"I just want to let you know that it was a pleasure meeting you. I'm sorry if I imposed on you by walking out when you left. I apologize (-: I was just taken back by meeting a girl who is as gorgeous, fine & super intelligent as you. I felt like a kid in a candy store & probably acted like one (lol). I hope that we can do lunch ond day next week. I would love to get to know you (-:"

P.S.
You do smiley faces the wrong way.

I know what you did last week

Dear Liar I work with,


Um, why do you think that you can lie to my face and it’s gonna work? I’m really stealthy and good at what I do. So by the time I have decided to talk to someone about my “hunch” it’s already been triple-checked. And when I ask you very innocent-sounding questions while I bat my eyelashes, I am trying to give you a way out. A way to confess a harmless (not really) event to a “friend”.

If, however, instead of confessing, you lie and make it worse, you better believe that I am going to come after you with a vengeance. While some people may see a happy-go-lucky country bumpkin, I don’t. I see a pathological lying liar who lies. And that’s the worst kind. And I’m gonna take you down.

Kisses,
BW

My Love Letter to Tina Fey

Dear Tina,

As everyone around me knows, I love you. Your skits on SNL (particularly this one and this one) always made me laugh; 30 Rock filled a void in my heart that Fox created when they cancelled Arrested Development and today, I pre-ordered your upcoming book Bossypants.

First of all, what other actress would be ballsy enough to use this picture on her book? Second, this is the first time I have ever pre-ordered a book outside of one that had the words Harry and Potter in the title.  When ordering the book I noticed these reviews (submitted by you I'm sure) on the site:

ADVANCE PRAISE FOR BOSSYPANTS:

"I hope that's not really the cover. That's really going to hurt sales." (Don Fey, Father of Tina Fey )

"Absolutely delicious!" (A Guy Who Eats Books )

"Totally worth it." (Trees )

Pure genius. On top of being intelligent and hilarious, you seem to have a happy home life while at the same time are able to hire guest actors to play your tv boyfriends (which, by the way, you have impeccable taste - Michael Sheen, Matt Damon and Jon Hamm.) You are my idol.

I really look forward to your book, Tina. Thanks for telling it like it is and getting Brian Williams on 30 Rock so often. He is hilarious.

Love,
LL

I Hate the Boyfriend Blazer

As a [professional person that wears suits], I hate the Boyfriend Blazer.

Okay, that's not true. I love the Boyfriend Blazer. I mean, come on. How cute is this?

Kristin Cavallari

Photo Credit

It says, "I'm super cas, but structured. I'm laid back, but still, please, don't eff with me."

However, I wear suits for my job. Not every single day, but there is always a black blazer hanging on the back of my chair in case I need to "suit up" in a moment's notice.  However, for the life of me, I cannot wear a blazer outside of work. I feel way too business-like. As if my friends would be like, "Take off the blazer, workaholic." Imagine a doctor always wearing scrubs. Or a soldier always wearing BDUs. Sad.

For those of you who don't wear suits to work, wear a boyfriend blazer from time to time. And think of me.

How dumb are you?!?!

I had an appointment for my client and I to meet with [super important business person]. After 25 minutes [super important business person] had not shown up. I called [super important business person] because, like I said, it was super important. 

"Hi, I was checking to see if you were on your way my to my office."

"I was there and no one was there. I rang the door bell."

"We don't have a door bell, so I don't think you were here."

"The one at [location]."

"Yeah. I've been here since 8:30. Did you knock on the door?"

"The blinds were open, but no one ever answered the door."

"Did you try calling my office?"

"No. I didn't have my computer since I was in my truck. I just got to my office. I can come back. It's only 15 minutes away."

"That would be greatly appreciated. And it's a business so you can just walk in."

"Well, it wasn't labeled, so I was nervous."

"Well I'm telling you, it's a business; you can just walk in."

 

To be fair, here is a picture of our "doorbell." The one that after our phone conversation I went outside and discovered. In case you can't tell from the black and white photo, it has been painted over and covered in dust since the Mesozoic Era. I wish I could capture the feeling of pushing the button. It does not FEEL like a working doorbell. Why would a WORKING doorbell be painted over and crusty? When you pushed the button, did you hear it ring? And why would a BUSINESS (like mine) have a doorbell? 

Also, do you just go, "Oh, I guess nobody is home. [shrug]" or do you, like a non-lazy, responsible person would, call the business/business-person you were supposed to meet with about the super important issue and find out where they are? You didn't have your computer? So what?! You have an iPhone AND a Blackberry. PICK ONE and Google it. I called you numerous times and left you messages with my number. You should be able to find it in your phone(s). I also sent you numerous emails that contain my contact information. I know for a fact that your email goes to your phone(s). You also have an assistant back at YOUR office who you can call that has my contact information. You and/or your assistant also have my client's contact information. I get that you may think my client is a flake and bailed on you, but I'm a [professional] for crying out loud. 

Our office didn't have a sign so you were nervous?! You are a [job title]. If you are scared of a clean, professional, wholesome business at [location] during the daylight, then you should not be a [job title]. Plain and simple. Boom, fired.

Bebe: Not just for ho's anymore.

In order to prepare for my upcoming date this week, I determined that I needed a new outfit. What does one wear for a date to a concert with a viking? Since my wardrobe consists mainly of sweatersets, pencil skirts and pearls, it was time for a trip to go shopping. After some extraordinarily bad luck at Nordstrom Rack and Last Call (really, who pays $1000 to look a gay chicken on crack?) UB and LL and I went to the mall. Again, a suitable outfit was nowhere to be found. Until, we reached Bebe.

I have to admit, I was drawn inside the store by a hot pink jumpsuit. But, once there, all of the clothes that the scary ladies wear were too much for me. A very pleasant saleslady asked if she could help, so I honestly said "your store scares me. I am not awesome. I need an outfit for a concert. Help." This saleslady was brilliant. She not only picked clothes that were non-scary, they were in my size...without even asking what my size was. AND, they were on sale.


So, congratulations Bebe, you have a new customer. And as for me, I have an outfit that looks like Bad Sandy at the end of Grease. Well done.

Thanks!

If you have to write a co-worker an email that's not too sweet, it makes it okay if you close with "Thanks!" right? For example:

Dear Co-worker:
Here's the document you requested I review.  You did this completely wrong and your writing is unintelligible.  Please see the 157 corrections I made to it in track changes.  If you don't understand something due to your own incompetence, please try to figure it out with your supervisor before calling me.

Thanks!

Time = Money?

So when exactly did it because socially acceptable to waste other people's time? I'm gonna jump a couple of logical steps and ask, "How egotistical must you be to think that your time is much more valuable than anyone else's?" Ugh.

If time really equaled money and people had to pay me for all the times I covered for them when they were late or for all the time spent waiting on them, I'd be rich.

40 Never Looked So Good

Today is Jon Hamm's 40th birthday. I would like to thank his parents for creating this:

I would also like to thank Mr. Hamm and the writers from SNL for creating this:

and this: 

Dear Legislators,

Get over yourself. You think that because 40,000 people voted for you to represent them that you get to hold people hostage all freaking day long because you want to hear yourself talk? Guess what, your constituents don’t care about 99% of the bills that you are filing and debating. They do care about the budget, which, let’s face it, it’s going to take five Special Sessions to work through. 

I know, you don’t have real lives or jobs, but some of us do. And being locked in a committee meeting for 15 hours, while you skype in a group of “experts” to talk about an issue that no one cares about anyway is disrespectful. 

So, for all of you legislators out there moaning and crying that the budget crisis is unsolvable, here’s a fun stat:   Last session, the cost per day per Senator to be in session for 140 days was $15,178.  The cost per day for a House member was $3,559.64. This session the budget in the Senate is $16,146 per day per Senator and $3,683 per day for House member.  Nice budget cuts, lege.  Don’t you think your constituents would rather have you debate fewer issues, in lieu of say, firing all the teachers in their school district?

You wonder why state agencies aren’t productive and chastise them for not accomplishing more. But when you mandate that the head of an agency, the CFO and all of the major program administrators sit all day to listen to the same speeches in different hearings all week for 5 months, that’s not productive. 

Go home already.

Wolverine Forkhands

Today I thought about how cool it would be if Wolverine had utensils instead of crazy sharp metal weapons shoot out of his knuckles. What? He accidentally dropped his fork at dinner? No need to worry waiter - I have one right here!

Hugh Jackman and I are meant to be together because he thought the same thing:

 Photo from: www.scrapetv.com

Tv Show Mad Libs

I love reading the recaps from Gossip Girl on various websites the Tuesday after a new episode airs. Websites tend to have smart, snarky and hilarious people write them up to the point where I sometimes feel I’m watching the episode just to supplement the recaps and not the other way around.

Last night (and every Monday until April 18^th) there was no new episode. As I sat here thinking about how sad I was to have to wait and see what’s gonna happen between Dan and Blair (I dare to Dair). I realized something: Gossip Girl is basically an episode of Law and Order: SVU just in a different context.  And really, the framework of any serialized television show is the same.

Plot Point	Law and Order: SVU	Gossip Girl	Template for other shows
Event of the Week	Crime	Party/Gala/Charity Fundraiser	Something exciting! Ex. spy mission, law case, family dinner
Sexual Tension of the week	Olivia and Elliot	Nate and Dan	Attractive person and another attractive person
Crazy Supporting Characters	Ice-T (I don’t even know his name on the show)	Eric, Vanessa’s outfits	Someone with giant hair or someone who is socially awkward
Guest Stars	d-list comediennes, ex Lost cast members, John Stamos	David Cassidy’s daughter, one of the Winklevoss twins, One Life to Live Alumni	Real Housewives of some town, old 80’s/early 90’s tv show stars, Scott Baio

Add some snappy dialogue + identifying details (ex. Gossip Girl uses headbands and low cut or high slitted dresses for Serena to wear) and you have a hit tv show! This framework fits with so many tv shows!  I only wish I could get a PhD in television.

Taylor Momsen Has A Beer Gut

Really, The Superficial?! Really?! A beer gut?! Really?!

I was tooling around on the internet to avoid work this morning, like you do, and stumbled across this story about Taylor Momsen having a beer gut. As a lover of all things Gossip Girl (yes, even non Gossip Girl related stories about Little J), I clicked away.

THIS GIRL DOES NOT HAVE A BEER GUT!!! Of course the opening picture used for the 30-photo "beer gut" slideshow is a snapshot of her slouched and leaning to the side that was taken while she was likely dancing around like a rockstar.

Look at her here, at the same concert standing up straight. Does this look like beer gut? NO!

Seriously people?! She's 17! She's still a child. I cannot even pull together words to tell you how ridiculous I think this is. Now, tens of thousands of girls (give or take a few) who are perfectly fine are going to FREAK OUT because they too have an I'm-still-a-child-and-have-a-tiny-amount-of-fat-in-places-that-even-grown-ass-women-struggle-to-lose "beer gut."

For the record, THIS is a beer gut.

Dear Hipsters,

While I know this will be an unpopular blog post, I feel like it needs to be said: I really detest SXSW.  For several weeks, downtown will be crowded and full of the smell of smoke and hippies who haven’t showered in awhile.

Admittedly, I am not “young and hip” like Anne Hathaway and James Franco. But, really, I do not enjoy the time of year when hipsters from all over the country descend on Austin in order to pay a fortune to watch some no-name, angst-ridden, starving artists play their “music”. (By the way starving artists, that is totally a choice that you made.  You could have a job if you wanted. If you choose to sleep in  your car, Jewel, that’s on you.)

Hipsters go and listen to bands they’ve never heard of and watch movies that are not cool enough to be at Sundance. Yeah, burn.

So, for the next two weeks, while most of you fight for parking downtown, get touched  by drunk idiots who smell of smoke and funk and listen to original songs, I plan to stay as far away as possible. You know where those hipsters won’t be? The Domain.  That’s where I’ll be.

Where'd you go TV?

Dear Television Schedule Planners,

Why are tv schedules created so that it seems EVERY show I watch is in reruns during the same week(s)? I get the sweeps stuff but still: You. Are. Lame. What am I supposed to do tonight now that Chuck, 90210, Gossip Girl, Castle, How I Met Your Mother and Two and a Half Men (kidding! duh, #winner) are all episodes I've seen before? Read? Exercise? Be social? You are crazy.

Please fix this. Or I will have my friend Blair write a very stern email to you. She's real good at those.

Thanks,
Liz L.

Language Barrier

DAMMIT, I need to learn Spanish!

[Boy] and I were texting. Mainly me playing mind games with him. Yeah, I'm Ultra Bitch. He asked me to call him. He answers the phone and I said, "What do you want?"  He said "SpanishSpanishSpanishSpanish, mi amor?" I giggled and hung up. 

I couldn't even catch a single part of it to google. Flirting Fail. 

Brothers & Sisters = Whiners & Losers

You know what show really bugs the crap out of me? Brothers & Sisters.

My roommate and I usually wind down the weekend together while watching Desperate Housewives. (Side note: Tonight I said, "I don't even know why we watch this show." Desperate Housewives jumped the shark a long time ago, but I keep hanging on like I'm in a bad relationship -- But he loves me!)

After Desperate Housewives my roommate usually watches the most horrible show in the world (Brothers & Sisters, for those of you struggling to keep up). Not wanting the weekend to end, I have stuck around to watch a couple of shows while playing on facebook and whatnot.

This show is full of whiners and losers. There is a massive amount of neurosis and hysteria that should never be allowed within one TV show. Ugh. If I was a part of this family, I would have gone to college out of state and NEVER COME BACK.

Sunday Sad-day

Sundays are never fun because it means I have to wake up and go to work tomorrow. Today, in my apprehensive sadness there was only one thing that made me smile (and it wasn't the Amazing Race or the ball of crazy on Celebrity Apprentice). It was thinking of Jake Gyllenhaal's blue eyes: 

He is soooo pretty. Any thoughts of the stupidity I will face this week were pushed aside when I googled "Jake Gyllenhaal's blue eyes" and this picture showed up. I could've googled something x-rated, but I figured his eyes would be enough (Anderson Cooper's eyes or a nice pic of Jon Hamm would've worked too...probably young Paul Newman too). Have a happy week, everyone!

Just Getting Started

We are just getting this blog set up today.
Check back soon for hilarious hijinks.

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