This week for the first time, I watched the Millionaire Matchmaker. And I am officially obsessed with the show since I have watched 10 episodes in the past 5 days. I realize that I am 5 years behind, but I think this show is hilarious and Patti is wise. However, I am a little unsure about her judgment after what I saw today.
There was this chauvinist pig man who was looking for a woman who would sit at home and have his babies and make tortillas. Patti, quite rightly, is appalled by this, and she wants to introduce him to a friend of hers who can balance work and family. And he introduces her to....Tori Spelling?
Now, I'm not a hater, but Tori Spelling isn't really the classic working mom. I mean, her Dad created a media empire and produced the majority of TV shows that have resonated with me in life. I love Tori...see "Mother May I Sleep With Danger", but really, you couldn't find a working mom that doesn't have a billion dollars?
On another note, Patti has all of these rules about dating. One of them is "no sex without monogamy". So, she asks the group to answer the question "no sex without..." and all the girls scream "condoms". Patti and I both looked disappointed. Sigh.
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Friday, December 9, 2011
My Friend's Husband
Dear My Friend's Husband,
Yes. I am single. I've been single for quite a few years. Yes, I am in my early 30s. Yes, I opted to not have sex in a few years too. While that would be nice, I know that too many problems and drama can come from it and I've had other things on my mind. There's plenty of dudes who would have sex with me - I'm just not willing to settle. I also have you as an example - an example of the shitty men that exist in this world.
Every time you see me, you don't need to ask me, "So, have you found someone yet?" If I did, you aren't the first person on my list that I'd call to tell. You aren't even near the middle of the list. More than likely, you'd find out after I got married or via your wife who is my friend.
Now, we've established we aren't close. So, when we go out and you basically offer me to your ugly friend with the statement: "Hey, she hasn't been laid in awhile - you should go talk to her." I will be offended. Plus, your friend is ugly. Sure, I could have sex with him, but that sure as hell doesn't mean I want to. I also judge him on the fact that he is YOUR friend. So no, I don't need you to "set me up" with someone.
When time passes and I'm still single, do not assume that must mean I am a lesbian. I am not. But if I were, I'd be the best damn lesbian I could be. Then you'd probably make tacky jokes about joining in or trying to make me and my assumable hot girlfriend make out in front of you. You are that sad of a man. Grow up. You are close to forty and have teenage kids.
Sincerely,
Your wife's single friend.
Dear Friend with a shitty husband,
I understand that at times you will stand up for me against your husband, and I assume that this time, you know - the time you bitched me out for standing up for myself against his demeaning comments - you just didn't hear everything he said. I will have that much faith in our friendship.
However, your husband is a dick. I know you are married to him and I respect the institution of marriage. If this means that you will side with him when he's gross towards me, I'll respect that. That just means I cannot be your friend.
I'll miss you,
Friend tired of your gross husband.
Yes. I am single. I've been single for quite a few years. Yes, I am in my early 30s. Yes, I opted to not have sex in a few years too. While that would be nice, I know that too many problems and drama can come from it and I've had other things on my mind. There's plenty of dudes who would have sex with me - I'm just not willing to settle. I also have you as an example - an example of the shitty men that exist in this world.
Every time you see me, you don't need to ask me, "So, have you found someone yet?" If I did, you aren't the first person on my list that I'd call to tell. You aren't even near the middle of the list. More than likely, you'd find out after I got married or via your wife who is my friend.
Now, we've established we aren't close. So, when we go out and you basically offer me to your ugly friend with the statement: "Hey, she hasn't been laid in awhile - you should go talk to her." I will be offended. Plus, your friend is ugly. Sure, I could have sex with him, but that sure as hell doesn't mean I want to. I also judge him on the fact that he is YOUR friend. So no, I don't need you to "set me up" with someone.
When time passes and I'm still single, do not assume that must mean I am a lesbian. I am not. But if I were, I'd be the best damn lesbian I could be. Then you'd probably make tacky jokes about joining in or trying to make me and my assumable hot girlfriend make out in front of you. You are that sad of a man. Grow up. You are close to forty and have teenage kids.
Sincerely,
Your wife's single friend.
Dear Friend with a shitty husband,
I understand that at times you will stand up for me against your husband, and I assume that this time, you know - the time you bitched me out for standing up for myself against his demeaning comments - you just didn't hear everything he said. I will have that much faith in our friendship.
However, your husband is a dick. I know you are married to him and I respect the institution of marriage. If this means that you will side with him when he's gross towards me, I'll respect that. That just means I cannot be your friend.
I'll miss you,
Friend tired of your gross husband.
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Things That Make Me Feel Old
Seeing a commercial for Now That's What I Call Music 39. THIRTY NINE! Ugh. I remember when it all started.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Bossy Pants....er..Bossy Skirt
I recently received a promotion at work. It includes absorbing a new team, getting new functions and overall, having alot more to do. No problem. Easy cheesy.
So, I met with the head of my new team and our first meeting was....awkward. This chick doesn't know she sucks or why she needs a boss. And her first question for me was "Do we have a problem?" Me: "No, why do you ask?" Her: "Well, you're my boss now".
Um....awkward.
So, the meeting doesn't go well. It's all, I don't want to have to do anymore work or any different work and oh by the way, we all need raises. Yeah, that's not how it works here. And by "here", I mean "everywhere".
Then I had my second meeting. I told her my ideas and asked for feedback. The response to my ideas was "we'll see".
This may come as a shock, but I actually do prefer working with people who want to work with me. The default is don't be bossy or mean at work. But, the last straw was when I said that I needed a white paper from her and her team on thier background and the response I got was "sorry, we're busy." I asked what they were working on and the response was basically, stuff.
I. Am. Getting. Pissed. Off.
At this point, I'm a little worried. But I guess the worst case scenario is that everyone quits. So, who needs a new job? I may have openings soon.
Stay tuned for what is sure to be the exciting adventures of BossySkirt.
So, I met with the head of my new team and our first meeting was....awkward. This chick doesn't know she sucks or why she needs a boss. And her first question for me was "Do we have a problem?" Me: "No, why do you ask?" Her: "Well, you're my boss now".
Um....awkward.
So, the meeting doesn't go well. It's all, I don't want to have to do anymore work or any different work and oh by the way, we all need raises. Yeah, that's not how it works here. And by "here", I mean "everywhere".
Then I had my second meeting. I told her my ideas and asked for feedback. The response to my ideas was "we'll see".
This may come as a shock, but I actually do prefer working with people who want to work with me. The default is don't be bossy or mean at work. But, the last straw was when I said that I needed a white paper from her and her team on thier background and the response I got was "sorry, we're busy." I asked what they were working on and the response was basically, stuff.
I. Am. Getting. Pissed. Off.
At this point, I'm a little worried. But I guess the worst case scenario is that everyone quits. So, who needs a new job? I may have openings soon.
Stay tuned for what is sure to be the exciting adventures of BossySkirt.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Life Lessons from Lifetime Movies
Let's face it. When there is nothing on tv and you're flipping channels, you may see a flash of a 90s era star (probably from an Aaron Spelling drama) and wonder "what is Donna doing? Why is Valerie running through the woods in a tank top? Why is Zack Morris with Hilary Swank and Six from Blossom?"
These questions will lead to trouble. You will stay on the channel for a little under 90 seconds and then realize, crap, this is a Lifetime Movie. And it's awesome.
After revealing that we had all inadvertently been sucked into these situations, we decided to embrace our love for cheezy movies and provide all of you with our Top Ten list of Life Lessons from Lifetime Movies. If you need additional information, I suggest that you watch the show that each of these lessons comes from. If you don't have time, then do not leave the house or go on a date without printing out this list and referring to it often.
Here are your lessons in no particular order. Don't say we didn't warn you.
1. If you wake up one day and you are missing a leg and a hand, you're probably a twin and suffer from stigmata. (From I Know Who Killed Me, starring Lindsay Lohan and Lindsay Lohan).
2. If you have a fake, electronic leg, plug it in every night. (From I Know Who Killed Me, starring Lindsay Lohan and Lindsay Lohan).
3. If you're in a dude's hotel room and don't know his name and then sneak a peek at his driver's license and then google his name and then see that he's wanted for murder, close your browser before he gets outta the shower or he may kill you. (From Justice for Natalee Holloway, starring no one really famous, but it did have Max from Gilmore Girls).
4. If you're Tori Spelling and you're starring as a a cheerleader in a bad movie, Kelly Martin is probably going to be jealous and stab you. (From A Friend to Die For, starring the incomparable Tori Spelling and the sweet girl from Life Goes On.)
5. If your mom hates your boyfriend, it's probably because he stole some other dude's life and killed him. (From Mother May I Sleep with Danger?, starring, of course, Tori Spelling).
6. If you want to be in a sorority and you're kind of a loser, expect to accidentally (on purpose) fall off a building after drinking too much. (From Dying to Belong, starring Oscar-winner Hilary Swank, Six from Blossom and my boyfriend, Mark-Paul Gosselaar (aka, Zack Morris).
7. If a boy says he's in college at Penn State, he really means he's locked up in the State Pen. (From The Boy She Met Online, starring no one you've ever heard of).
8. If your kidnapper lets you call a friend so people know you're still alive, call your parents' house and just ask for your mom by her first name; he'll never know. (From Taken in Broad Daylight, starring James Van Der Beek, aka Dawson).
9. Ladies, please be sure to wear proper shoes and sports bra when you go to the woods with a boy. He's going to try to kill you and chase you through the woods. (This is a general lesson that you need to know. It does not feel good to run in slow motion without a bra.)
10. Gentlemen, if you are married and want to have a one-time affair with a girl and never talk to her again, don't. Please be advised that she is going to terrorize you for the rest of your life. (This is a general lesson for dudes. If the chick says, oh, it's cool, I won't get clingy and crazy, she's lying. Don't believe us? See: Amy Fisher.)
These questions will lead to trouble. You will stay on the channel for a little under 90 seconds and then realize, crap, this is a Lifetime Movie. And it's awesome.
After revealing that we had all inadvertently been sucked into these situations, we decided to embrace our love for cheezy movies and provide all of you with our Top Ten list of Life Lessons from Lifetime Movies. If you need additional information, I suggest that you watch the show that each of these lessons comes from. If you don't have time, then do not leave the house or go on a date without printing out this list and referring to it often.
Here are your lessons in no particular order. Don't say we didn't warn you.
1. If you wake up one day and you are missing a leg and a hand, you're probably a twin and suffer from stigmata. (From I Know Who Killed Me, starring Lindsay Lohan and Lindsay Lohan).
2. If you have a fake, electronic leg, plug it in every night. (From I Know Who Killed Me, starring Lindsay Lohan and Lindsay Lohan).
3. If you're in a dude's hotel room and don't know his name and then sneak a peek at his driver's license and then google his name and then see that he's wanted for murder, close your browser before he gets outta the shower or he may kill you. (From Justice for Natalee Holloway, starring no one really famous, but it did have Max from Gilmore Girls).
4. If you're Tori Spelling and you're starring as a a cheerleader in a bad movie, Kelly Martin is probably going to be jealous and stab you. (From A Friend to Die For, starring the incomparable Tori Spelling and the sweet girl from Life Goes On.)
5. If your mom hates your boyfriend, it's probably because he stole some other dude's life and killed him. (From Mother May I Sleep with Danger?, starring, of course, Tori Spelling).
6. If you want to be in a sorority and you're kind of a loser, expect to accidentally (on purpose) fall off a building after drinking too much. (From Dying to Belong, starring Oscar-winner Hilary Swank, Six from Blossom and my boyfriend, Mark-Paul Gosselaar (aka, Zack Morris).
7. If a boy says he's in college at Penn State, he really means he's locked up in the State Pen. (From The Boy She Met Online, starring no one you've ever heard of).
8. If your kidnapper lets you call a friend so people know you're still alive, call your parents' house and just ask for your mom by her first name; he'll never know. (From Taken in Broad Daylight, starring James Van Der Beek, aka Dawson).
9. Ladies, please be sure to wear proper shoes and sports bra when you go to the woods with a boy. He's going to try to kill you and chase you through the woods. (This is a general lesson that you need to know. It does not feel good to run in slow motion without a bra.)
10. Gentlemen, if you are married and want to have a one-time affair with a girl and never talk to her again, don't. Please be advised that she is going to terrorize you for the rest of your life. (This is a general lesson for dudes. If the chick says, oh, it's cool, I won't get clingy and crazy, she's lying. Don't believe us? See: Amy Fisher.)
Thursday, July 21, 2011
The Power of Imagination
Sometimes when the automatic doors at a business take a real long time to open for me, I pretend it must be because I am really skinny.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Where to Store Your Sunglasses
I can tell you one place that is not the answer to that. It is NOT the back of your head. You look like a douche. Even if Especially because Guy Fieri does it.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Drinking While Pregnant: NOT Okay
I've noticed a trend lately with friends and friends of friends who are pregnant. Several of these women will drink alcohol while they are pregnant.
WHAT THE FUCK?!
Call me old fashioned. Call me judgey. Call me whatever. I just *do not* think that is okay. I think you are selfish to not take 40 weeks out of your LIFE to help ensure that your baby develops appropriately.
WHAT THE FUCK?!
Call me old fashioned. Call me judgey. Call me whatever. I just *do not* think that is okay. I think you are selfish to not take 40 weeks out of your LIFE to help ensure that your baby develops appropriately.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
The Inspiration for Black Swan
Not only did Flock of Seagulls inspire one of the greatest tv hairstyles of the 80s, their video for I Ran HAD to inspire Black Swan:
The same.
Here's the full video so you can 1) understand where I'm coming from, and 2) enjoy an awesome 80's song.
 |
| Black Swan Make-up |
 |
| The I Ran Make-up |
Here's the full video so you can 1) understand where I'm coming from, and 2) enjoy an awesome 80's song.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Bootcamp Blues
You know what sucks worse than getting up for a 5:30am bootcamp? Being there bright and early and your instructor doesn't show. I could've still been in bed! Oh well, tomorrow is another day.
Monday, July 4, 2011
Shut up, Sarah McLachlan
Those of you who know me know that I love dogs. I have two and one of them is a rescue. So please forgive me for this, but I can't be the only one who does this...
I immediately change the channel every time Sarah McLachlan's "In the Arms of an Angel" comes on and there's what seems like a twenty minute ad for the SPCA with the most pathetic looking dogs ever gazing longingly into the camera as if your 60 cents a day would save their life. I was trying to watch some inane stand up on Comedy Central, not CRY! I will go down one channel and watch Ice-T loves Coco for a bit, then switch back. Frankly, I don't appreciate the blatant emotional manipulation, Sarah.
I immediately change the channel every time Sarah McLachlan's "In the Arms of an Angel" comes on and there's what seems like a twenty minute ad for the SPCA with the most pathetic looking dogs ever gazing longingly into the camera as if your 60 cents a day would save their life. I was trying to watch some inane stand up on Comedy Central, not CRY! I will go down one channel and watch Ice-T loves Coco for a bit, then switch back. Frankly, I don't appreciate the blatant emotional manipulation, Sarah.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Coming This Fall...
I would imagine with us, this won't be the last post about fall TV...
I'm excited to see the new fall lineup on many stations. One of the shows I'm excited about is The New Girl on FOX. But I'm sad that the dude from Happy Endings is in it. Does that mean no more Happy Endings? (That's what Avril said.)
I am concerned that they put all of the funny parts of The New Girl into the teaser for the show.
That's always the worst when they do that. Like that movie with the little girl that just won an award for saying, "I wanna get chocolate wasted!" I'm pretty sure that was the best part of that movie, and you just showed it to us for free. Note: I have never seen that movie.
<3,
UB
I'm excited to see the new fall lineup on many stations. One of the shows I'm excited about is The New Girl on FOX. But I'm sad that the dude from Happy Endings is in it. Does that mean no more Happy Endings? (That's what Avril said.)
I am concerned that they put all of the funny parts of The New Girl into the teaser for the show.
That's always the worst when they do that. Like that movie with the little girl that just won an award for saying, "I wanna get chocolate wasted!" I'm pretty sure that was the best part of that movie, and you just showed it to us for free. Note: I have never seen that movie.
<3,
UB
Why is it...
That Cee Lo Green dressed like this on The Voice:
Was he trying to look like a Red Bowser from Super Mario Brothers? Cause that's all I can think about.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Tacky Time?
So, Time Magazine did this in "honor" of what would have been Princess Diana's 50th birthday:
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Can't read my poker face...oh wait
So, today I uncharacteristically went to a farmer's market to pick up 20 pounds of tomatoes for a coworker. As I enter the market, some man at the front, who I assume is in charge greets me. On my way out, he's impressed that I have 20 POUNDS of tomatoes, so he asks if I am a commercial cook. Charming. Sadly, no, just helping out a friend and hoping to have her make me tomato bisque, tomato tarts, tomato sauce, tomato...something.
The patron informs me that if I like the farmer's market, I should come to the flea market this weekend. "Okay", I reply. He says "no, it's not just crap. It's collectibles". Well hell, if its "not just crap", I'm in. Who can resist a sales pitch like that? And, why did he feel the need to let me know it's "not just crap". I didn't snear or wrinkle my nose at all when I said "okay". Could he just feel the judgement? Oops. I need to work on my poker face again.
The patron informs me that if I like the farmer's market, I should come to the flea market this weekend. "Okay", I reply. He says "no, it's not just crap. It's collectibles". Well hell, if its "not just crap", I'm in. Who can resist a sales pitch like that? And, why did he feel the need to let me know it's "not just crap". I didn't snear or wrinkle my nose at all when I said "okay". Could he just feel the judgement? Oops. I need to work on my poker face again.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
The Nanny 2.0
Since someone commented on this blog about the Nanny today, I figured I'd post an update about how she's doing. According to Perez Hilton, Fran Drescher (from TV's The Nanny), returned to television with big ratings for her new show Happily Divorced.
They said she had 4.4 million viewers. Now, I don't pretend to understand this whole ratings business, but I tend to believe the famous people when they say something received good ratings. However, having just read Bossypants, that same amount of viewers was apparently considered not-so-good ratings for 30 Rock by Ms. Tina Fey. I guess that maybe Tina, being on network TV, had different standards than Fran being on TV Land.
I had completely forgotten about Happily Divorced coming out. I'll have to check my TV listings and set my DVR to record her show.
Did anyone happen to catch it? Thoughts?
(Side note: I was watching The Nanny the other night as I drifted off to sleep and realized that her character--depending on which episode you watched--was near my age on that show. Just weird. Kind of like when I watch reruns of Beverly Hills, 90210 and realize I am severely older than them. I have the same weird feeling when I realize college football players are just kids and are dealing with all that pressure. Makes me feel old and lame. When I catch up with Frasier, then I'll shoot myself.)
<3,
UB
They said she had 4.4 million viewers. Now, I don't pretend to understand this whole ratings business, but I tend to believe the famous people when they say something received good ratings. However, having just read Bossypants, that same amount of viewers was apparently considered not-so-good ratings for 30 Rock by Ms. Tina Fey. I guess that maybe Tina, being on network TV, had different standards than Fran being on TV Land.
I had completely forgotten about Happily Divorced coming out. I'll have to check my TV listings and set my DVR to record her show.
Did anyone happen to catch it? Thoughts?
(Side note: I was watching The Nanny the other night as I drifted off to sleep and realized that her character--depending on which episode you watched--was near my age on that show. Just weird. Kind of like when I watch reruns of Beverly Hills, 90210 and realize I am severely older than them. I have the same weird feeling when I realize college football players are just kids and are dealing with all that pressure. Makes me feel old and lame. When I catch up with Frasier, then I'll shoot myself.)
<3,
UB
SWA Pilot Rant!
Oops! Sounds like this airline pilot should have made sure his mic was off before he went on such a colorful rant. I think it's comical he was complaining that no one on his crew/flight was dateable. I'd love to get a picture of this bigoted a-hole and see what he looks like. I'm fairly confident he's not the dating-god he thinks he is. At least he wasn't drunk, right?
Why is it....
...that corn is becoming popular in dessert items?
Recently I ate at Uchiko in Austin and they have a corn dessert that I might have enjoyed had they not told me it was dessert. Then that week I saw 2 episodes of Iron Chef where 3 out of the 4 chefs created a corn dessert (flan and custards). Finally on this week's Food Network Star contestant Justin D (who is kinda adorable) made a corn basil pudding.
Can someone please explain?
Recently I ate at Uchiko in Austin and they have a corn dessert that I might have enjoyed had they not told me it was dessert. Then that week I saw 2 episodes of Iron Chef where 3 out of the 4 chefs created a corn dessert (flan and custards). Finally on this week's Food Network Star contestant Justin D (who is kinda adorable) made a corn basil pudding.
Can someone please explain?
The Edge of UNITY
Let me start this post by saying I think Lady Gaga is too OTT [over the top] for my taste - fashion wise - but I frequently end up with her songs stuck in my head even if upon first hearing I'm not a fan. Her videos have become more and more over the top as of late, until that is, her newest video for The Edge of Glory. Take a look:
I must say, this was not what I expected. [Side note - I thought she'd used the google commercials as inspiration]
It took me awhile to remember why this video was soooo familiar. Other than the Huxtables's/ Carrie Bradshaw's stoop, there was something about it that made me thing late 80's. Then I realized - its just an update of this:
Saxophone player - Check!
80's giant shirt with shorts (or in Gaga's case - undies) - Check!
Brownstones and railing - Check!
Leather outfit (albeit very different ones) - Check!
Latifa has much more cussing in her video, but Gaga has much more exposed body parts. Either way I like both anthems and really really hope Lady Gaga's next video inspirations comes from this.
I must say, this was not what I expected. [Side note - I thought she'd used the google commercials as inspiration]
It took me awhile to remember why this video was soooo familiar. Other than the Huxtables's/ Carrie Bradshaw's stoop, there was something about it that made me thing late 80's. Then I realized - its just an update of this:
Saxophone player - Check!
80's giant shirt with shorts (or in Gaga's case - undies) - Check!
Brownstones and railing - Check!
Leather outfit (albeit very different ones) - Check!
Latifa has much more cussing in her video, but Gaga has much more exposed body parts. Either way I like both anthems and really really hope Lady Gaga's next video inspirations comes from this.
Monday, June 20, 2011
Picky
I had this conversation with a male friend of mine today. One of his rants went a little something like this:
"There are so many guys out there. You women are just too fuckin picky. You could trip on 8 willing dicks on a [1/2-mile] walk[.] I'm sure one of them would be fit for a little while at least. A lot harder for a man these days. Especially one with no [dating] skills whatsoever anymore."
You bet your sweet ass I'm picky!
Have you seen THIS?! (Well, no you haven't lovely blogosphere of mine, but trust me. It's cute.) THIS is amazing, inside and out. I'm not going to just take whatever happens to thrust in my general direction. And besides...of my circle(s) of friends, I'm middle-of-the-road picky. There are more and less picky girls out there besides me.
Anyway, all this got me to thinking. What is it that I'm picky about? I'm beyond the age of hooking up. For the most part, I'm beyond the point of "getting" boys just for the sake of getting them. So what is it that I'm looking for? What do I want?
First of all, I'm very cautious about the "happily ever after." I'm not really sure it still exists in 2011. Part personal experience and part jaded from exposure to the world. It's going to take a lot for me to get married. I've had friends who have married and been really confident that he's "the one." I know that whatever kind of love it is that they are feeling is nothing I've ever experienced. I'm also not about wasting time with the wrong dude. I don't need to date just to date. Lastly, my ideal situation would be to be friends with a dude and that turns into a lovely relationship. I don't like seeking out strangers.
So here it is. My list.
-Has a job. Dudes like to hate all the time because chicks want the guy with the good job, the dude with ambition who can pay their telephone bills. Thanks Beyonce. Whatever. I want you to have a j-o-b. I don't care if you are the cute boy doing construction outside my office window (shout-out!) or a Wall Street banker. Just pay your own way in life.
-Doesn't live in his parents' house. An exception is made for older parents who live with him because they are ailing. I don't care if a dude rents and has a roommate or owns a house and lives alone. Just be self-sufficient.
-Hasn't done time. County, state, or federal. This is totally based on personal experience. Been there, tried that. I would say this could be flexible, but I think it's probably best for me to have this bright-line rule.
-Doesn't currently use drugs or have any desire to use them in the future. We all have a past. Maybe yours includes drugs of some sort. Fine. But not now. That's not okay with me. The sheer illegality is a huge turn-off.
-Doesn't regularly smoke cigarettes. Drunk with your buddies may be one thing. Habitual use is another. I'm just not going to get involved in that. Because then there will be all this resentment. And then when I get knocked up and you don't stop smoking, that's really going to piss me off that you choose yourself over your baby.
-Isn't butt-ugly. Cute points can be made up by funny points.
-Confident. Be who you are. Proudly.
I think one of the things boys don't realize, is that there is a whole other list. A list of characteristics or attributes that are not deal-breakers. It's more of a scaled list of what I'm more attracted to. A dude can be those things up there, but I can still not be attracted. I don't think I have to settle on a dude that's not a deal-breaker just because he's not a deal-breaker.
The dude I'm attracted to is:
-Funny. I am totally in love with David Letterman, despite him being my father's age and not-so-hot. Why? Because he has made me laugh for years.
-Protective. I like a dude that's going to look out for me physically. That is something that has to be ingrained in him as a child. You don't have to be, and in fact I prefer that you not be, the dude that gets in a fight because some tool looked at me funky. But I'm your most-prized possession and you should treat me as such.
-Manly/macho. You should not have more hair product than me. You should always be ready to take care of the cockroaches for me. You should take out the trash.
-Girthy. HAHAHA. I didn't know how else to say that. You cannot wear a shirt smaller than a large. You need to feel and look like a man.
I think this second list limits the pool of people I am willing to date and then I look for those within that have/don't have those deal-breakers.
Btw, if you think THIS is picky, invite me over for a bottle of wine and get me to list for you the FULL list. The list of things if I were building my perfect dude; it's long and complicated, but hot-damn he is perfect (for me)! While I may be demanding and picky, I am not near what I could be. And for that you should be thankful.
"There are so many guys out there. You women are just too fuckin picky. You could trip on 8 willing dicks on a [1/2-mile] walk[.] I'm sure one of them would be fit for a little while at least. A lot harder for a man these days. Especially one with no [dating] skills whatsoever anymore."
You bet your sweet ass I'm picky!
Have you seen THIS?! (Well, no you haven't lovely blogosphere of mine, but trust me. It's cute.) THIS is amazing, inside and out. I'm not going to just take whatever happens to thrust in my general direction. And besides...of my circle(s) of friends, I'm middle-of-the-road picky. There are more and less picky girls out there besides me.
Anyway, all this got me to thinking. What is it that I'm picky about? I'm beyond the age of hooking up. For the most part, I'm beyond the point of "getting" boys just for the sake of getting them. So what is it that I'm looking for? What do I want?
First of all, I'm very cautious about the "happily ever after." I'm not really sure it still exists in 2011. Part personal experience and part jaded from exposure to the world. It's going to take a lot for me to get married. I've had friends who have married and been really confident that he's "the one." I know that whatever kind of love it is that they are feeling is nothing I've ever experienced. I'm also not about wasting time with the wrong dude. I don't need to date just to date. Lastly, my ideal situation would be to be friends with a dude and that turns into a lovely relationship. I don't like seeking out strangers.
So here it is. My list.
-Has a job. Dudes like to hate all the time because chicks want the guy with the good job, the dude with ambition who can pay their telephone bills. Thanks Beyonce. Whatever. I want you to have a j-o-b. I don't care if you are the cute boy doing construction outside my office window (shout-out!) or a Wall Street banker. Just pay your own way in life.
-Doesn't live in his parents' house. An exception is made for older parents who live with him because they are ailing. I don't care if a dude rents and has a roommate or owns a house and lives alone. Just be self-sufficient.
-Hasn't done time. County, state, or federal. This is totally based on personal experience. Been there, tried that. I would say this could be flexible, but I think it's probably best for me to have this bright-line rule.
-Doesn't currently use drugs or have any desire to use them in the future. We all have a past. Maybe yours includes drugs of some sort. Fine. But not now. That's not okay with me. The sheer illegality is a huge turn-off.
-Doesn't regularly smoke cigarettes. Drunk with your buddies may be one thing. Habitual use is another. I'm just not going to get involved in that. Because then there will be all this resentment. And then when I get knocked up and you don't stop smoking, that's really going to piss me off that you choose yourself over your baby.
-Isn't butt-ugly. Cute points can be made up by funny points.
-Confident. Be who you are. Proudly.
I think one of the things boys don't realize, is that there is a whole other list. A list of characteristics or attributes that are not deal-breakers. It's more of a scaled list of what I'm more attracted to. A dude can be those things up there, but I can still not be attracted. I don't think I have to settle on a dude that's not a deal-breaker just because he's not a deal-breaker.
The dude I'm attracted to is:
-Funny. I am totally in love with David Letterman, despite him being my father's age and not-so-hot. Why? Because he has made me laugh for years.
-Protective. I like a dude that's going to look out for me physically. That is something that has to be ingrained in him as a child. You don't have to be, and in fact I prefer that you not be, the dude that gets in a fight because some tool looked at me funky. But I'm your most-prized possession and you should treat me as such.
-Manly/macho. You should not have more hair product than me. You should always be ready to take care of the cockroaches for me. You should take out the trash.
-Girthy. HAHAHA. I didn't know how else to say that. You cannot wear a shirt smaller than a large. You need to feel and look like a man.
I think this second list limits the pool of people I am willing to date and then I look for those within that have/don't have those deal-breakers.
Btw, if you think THIS is picky, invite me over for a bottle of wine and get me to list for you the FULL list. The list of things if I were building my perfect dude; it's long and complicated, but hot-damn he is perfect (for me)! While I may be demanding and picky, I am not near what I could be. And for that you should be thankful.
Amazing Super Awesome Post
I'm just demonstrating a feature. No real purpose here, except that I have this super secret amazing juicy piece of gossip.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
The Killing on AMC
AMC has a great track record on tv shows - enjoyable and critically acclaimed ones: Mad Men, Breaking Bad and The Walking Dead. Their newest show, The Killing, the newest series, was based on a Danish tv series and recreated for AMC. It follows three stories within the investigation of the Rosie Larson murder: the family's coping, the police investigation and the campaign of a politico tied to the murder. I started dvr-ing it based on AMC's track record. It is really good - a little slow (I recommend a marathon of the 13 episodes - you'll get answers fasted and probably care a little more) but has great acting. The most amazing transformation for me is from actor Joel Kinnaman. I had no idea who this guy was before the show. Here's a clip:
He plays this kinda scuzzy guy. In reality he's super hot and Swedish:
He plays this kinda scuzzy guy. In reality he's super hot and Swedish:
Keep reading if you want my thoughts on the finale. And really, don't read if you are ever gonna watch (or expect coherency)!
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Why is it....
...that in a bathroom full of 15+ stalls, we are the only two people in it, and you choose the stall right next to me? If someone can answer this, please do explain. Thanks!
Monday, June 13, 2011
Boys You Should NOT Date #1--The White-SUV Driver
Really, nothing good is going to come of you dating a boy who drives a white SUV.
Exhibit A--OJ Simpson: white Ford Bronco. This is a very infamous story. If you watch the video, there's some audio of a conversation between OJ and the homicide detective trying to stop him.
Exhibit B--Unknown Scary Man: white Jeep Cherokee. In 2008, some douchebags torched the Texas Governor's Mansion. Regardless of what you think of any politician, that's not cool to target and (partially) destroy an awesomely historic building from 1854. The idiots that did this, took photos of the mansion a few days before from a white Jeep Cherokee, allegedly casing the joint. If you google it and find the videos, one of the geniuses that takes the pictures is doing so at 2am with a flash. What the hell do you think you are going to see from hundreds of feet away at 2am with a flash?!
Exhibit C--Another Unknown Scary Man: white Ford Explorer. Early in the morning on June 12, 2011, a pedestrian was shot on East 5th Street in Austin, Texas. Apparently one of the dudes in the Explorer got into an argument with the pedestrian and shot him. Now granted, that's probably a drug deal gone bad, but it's still another white SUV with a shady dude inside.
Exhibit A--OJ Simpson: white Ford Bronco. This is a very infamous story. If you watch the video, there's some audio of a conversation between OJ and the homicide detective trying to stop him.
Exhibit B--Unknown Scary Man: white Jeep Cherokee. In 2008, some douchebags torched the Texas Governor's Mansion. Regardless of what you think of any politician, that's not cool to target and (partially) destroy an awesomely historic building from 1854. The idiots that did this, took photos of the mansion a few days before from a white Jeep Cherokee, allegedly casing the joint. If you google it and find the videos, one of the geniuses that takes the pictures is doing so at 2am with a flash. What the hell do you think you are going to see from hundreds of feet away at 2am with a flash?!
Exhibit C--Another Unknown Scary Man: white Ford Explorer. Early in the morning on June 12, 2011, a pedestrian was shot on East 5th Street in Austin, Texas. Apparently one of the dudes in the Explorer got into an argument with the pedestrian and shot him. Now granted, that's probably a drug deal gone bad, but it's still another white SUV with a shady dude inside.
Monday, June 6, 2011
Oh Mr. Weiner
I have a couple of issues with today's Duh headline of the day admission that the scandalous pictures sent via twitter actually were Representative Anthony Weiner's well, wiener.
1: I don't get why anyone would want to receive a picture of someone else's genitalia. I don't see how women can get anything out of getting a picture of a man's junk. I'd be pissed if you just took it out if we were hanging out, and I'd be weirded out if I got a random text from you in the middle of the day of a close up of your stuff.
2: Really Weiner? Your last name is WEINER. You HAD to be made fun of as a child. Once you became a politician I would think you would be aware that you should not send or even take pictures of your junk. Not only do people want to catch you doing something bad, but if it involves your wiener- then that is just more fodder for headlines.
3: Why lie? You should've just said: "Yes, that's my bulge in those boxers." You could've just said you were trying to live up to your name. I'd believe you. John Stewart agrees with this.
Oh, and Blake Lively, this pretty much applies to you too.
1: I don't get why anyone would want to receive a picture of someone else's genitalia. I don't see how women can get anything out of getting a picture of a man's junk. I'd be pissed if you just took it out if we were hanging out, and I'd be weirded out if I got a random text from you in the middle of the day of a close up of your stuff.
2: Really Weiner? Your last name is WEINER. You HAD to be made fun of as a child. Once you became a politician I would think you would be aware that you should not send or even take pictures of your junk. Not only do people want to catch you doing something bad, but if it involves your wiener- then that is just more fodder for headlines.
3: Why lie? You should've just said: "Yes, that's my bulge in those boxers." You could've just said you were trying to live up to your name. I'd believe you. John Stewart agrees with this.
Oh, and Blake Lively, this pretty much applies to you too.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
I am not a people person
So, I have a job where I have to work with people everyday. I answer questions, I provide advice and counsel and I make a difference. And I'm really good at it. The problem is, I think I have decided that I generally don't like people.
People are stupid. And they ask you asinine questions. One person in particular who I will just call "annoying staffer" has a habit of emailing me a document to review then immediately calling me to get feedback. I constantly have to explain "I haven't read it yet. You just sent it. And then you called."
Annoying staffer also gives the deadline of ASAP....and then calls every few minutes for updates. If the answer is due NOW, then I will make something up and be done with it. If you in fact want proper review and feedback from my team, it will take longer than 3 minutes.
Oh, and when given the deadline of ASAP to say, draft a document to be submitted, maybe don't make such a request if it's midnight and you know that we are going to miss the deadline anyway. Work for work's sake is really much less fun than it used to be.
On second thought, I actually am a people person. I'm just not a stupid people person. So, if you can think of a job where I don't have to deal with those, please let me know. Someday, I am going to turn into Anna Wintour or Cruella de Vil or the mean lady from the Devil Wears Prada. And guess what, I am going to OWN it.
People are stupid. And they ask you asinine questions. One person in particular who I will just call "annoying staffer" has a habit of emailing me a document to review then immediately calling me to get feedback. I constantly have to explain "I haven't read it yet. You just sent it. And then you called."
Annoying staffer also gives the deadline of ASAP....and then calls every few minutes for updates. If the answer is due NOW, then I will make something up and be done with it. If you in fact want proper review and feedback from my team, it will take longer than 3 minutes.
Oh, and when given the deadline of ASAP to say, draft a document to be submitted, maybe don't make such a request if it's midnight and you know that we are going to miss the deadline anyway. Work for work's sake is really much less fun than it used to be.
On second thought, I actually am a people person. I'm just not a stupid people person. So, if you can think of a job where I don't have to deal with those, please let me know. Someday, I am going to turn into Anna Wintour or Cruella de Vil or the mean lady from the Devil Wears Prada. And guess what, I am going to OWN it.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Good Morning George, How Are You?
You know what I hate? I hate the stupid pleasantries you have to add to professional emails so that people don't (read tone [incorrectly?] into your email and) think you are a mean bitch. A straightforward email that looks like this:
Katie,
Please send me the documents on the Jones file.
Sincerely,
Me
Turns into something much more like this:
Hello Katie,
I hope you are doing well. Please send me the documents on the Jones file when you have an opportunity.
Thank you,
Me
I would refuse to do it, but as it turns out, people don't want to help bitches as much as they do (fake) nice people.
Katie,
Please send me the documents on the Jones file.
Sincerely,
Me
Turns into something much more like this:
Hello Katie,
I hope you are doing well. Please send me the documents on the Jones file when you have an opportunity.
Thank you,
Me
I would refuse to do it, but as it turns out, people don't want to help bitches as much as they do (fake) nice people.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Words, Yo.
So here’s the thing: words are important. I’m really big on communication and like to believe that I’m fairly good at communicating clearly. In fact, my job depends on my ability to persuade people with my communication skills. I have to use my words and my questions to solicit information to tell a story.
A couple of things I want to point out. First, ASAP is not the same as NOW or IMMEDIATELY. People who say ASAP when they really mean “Now” really bother me. It’s like they are too weak to buck up and tell someone that whatever they need is more important. I don’t like people who are weak. There, I said it. I don’t think that makes me a bad person.
Second, there’s nothing wrong with being honest and telling someone how you feel. Granted, there are things like tact that can make the delivery more appropriate. At the same time, I tend to be a pick-your-battles kind of person. I’m not going to blurt out every feeling or opinion I have just because I have it. That's what children do.
Lastly, say what you mean and mean what you say. That's kind of tied into the first point up there but whatever. I shouldn't have to fish around trying to figure out what you really are trying to say because you don't want to say it. Be forthright with your words. I'm going to find out eventually. Just man up and say it so that we can deal with whatever needs to be dealt with and move on with life.
Maybe I just hate sissies. Hmmm, that's a thought.
A couple of things I want to point out. First, ASAP is not the same as NOW or IMMEDIATELY. People who say ASAP when they really mean “Now” really bother me. It’s like they are too weak to buck up and tell someone that whatever they need is more important. I don’t like people who are weak. There, I said it. I don’t think that makes me a bad person.
Second, there’s nothing wrong with being honest and telling someone how you feel. Granted, there are things like tact that can make the delivery more appropriate. At the same time, I tend to be a pick-your-battles kind of person. I’m not going to blurt out every feeling or opinion I have just because I have it. That's what children do.
Lastly, say what you mean and mean what you say. That's kind of tied into the first point up there but whatever. I shouldn't have to fish around trying to figure out what you really are trying to say because you don't want to say it. Be forthright with your words. I'm going to find out eventually. Just man up and say it so that we can deal with whatever needs to be dealt with and move on with life.
Maybe I just hate sissies. Hmmm, that's a thought.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Mourning the Boy[Space]Friend
Growing up I was one of those girls that hung out with the dudes and all the chicks hated because I was so chill. I was totally, without a doubt, one of the guys. I grew up with boys in my household. I hung with boys almost exclusively. In fact, it wasn't until much later in life that I really began to learn how to be friends with girls; actually, I'm still learning.
Boy[space]friends are good for several reason. Casual flirtation is a essential part of life. Girls that are used to being around boys can casually flirt no problem. Flirting is fun. It's necessary. It makes life more interesting and playful. Usually the chicks who are anti-flirtation are those than only have one setting to flirting: I'm-going-to-bed-you flirting. Sad.
It's good to have a boy[space]friend you can confide in for a different opinion. Chicks and dudes have completely different thought processes. Girl friends can so easily (and with good intentions) turn into yes-men. No one needs yes-men 24/7. Sometimes it's nice to have a dude that's going to tell you the honest truth, even if it hurts your feelings.
There's also a level of comfort and compassion a boy[space]friend can provide that a female friend cannot. And no, not in the dirty sense. In the everything-is-going-to-be-okay sense. Sometimes the presence of a dude can just make you feel safe. Chicks can't always do that.
But now I'm looking around my life and realize that somehow all of my platonic male friends have gone missing. So where are they? Some of them never grew up. Still running the same childish game from ten years ago. You can call them up at anytime, but you don't really want to. They'll still be talking about high school and doing things that most people have long grown out of. Some of them you just grew apart from. Lost touch over the years for no good reason. Some are married and/or have children, making a full-time friendship with a single chick somewhat inappropriate/unrealistic/questionable/etc.
It's just sad that it happens. And there's no way to fix it.
Boy[space]friends are good for several reason. Casual flirtation is a essential part of life. Girls that are used to being around boys can casually flirt no problem. Flirting is fun. It's necessary. It makes life more interesting and playful. Usually the chicks who are anti-flirtation are those than only have one setting to flirting: I'm-going-to-bed-you flirting. Sad.
It's good to have a boy[space]friend you can confide in for a different opinion. Chicks and dudes have completely different thought processes. Girl friends can so easily (and with good intentions) turn into yes-men. No one needs yes-men 24/7. Sometimes it's nice to have a dude that's going to tell you the honest truth, even if it hurts your feelings.
There's also a level of comfort and compassion a boy[space]friend can provide that a female friend cannot. And no, not in the dirty sense. In the everything-is-going-to-be-okay sense. Sometimes the presence of a dude can just make you feel safe. Chicks can't always do that.
But now I'm looking around my life and realize that somehow all of my platonic male friends have gone missing. So where are they? Some of them never grew up. Still running the same childish game from ten years ago. You can call them up at anytime, but you don't really want to. They'll still be talking about high school and doing things that most people have long grown out of. Some of them you just grew apart from. Lost touch over the years for no good reason. Some are married and/or have children, making a full-time friendship with a single chick somewhat inappropriate/unrealistic/questionable/etc.
It's just sad that it happens. And there's no way to fix it.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Pet Peeve of the Day
I work at a desk. In the corner of my desk there is a mug full of (let me count) TEN pens for other people to use. I HATE when people either 1) ask to use the pen in my hand or even worse 2) REACH for and GRAB the pen out of my hand. There are pens RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU!
It has become so common that I am even getting annoyed by saying, "There are pens right there for you to use."
I've had many thoughts as to how to curb this: somehow fashion a pen that has a live electrical source so that it can shock anyone who tries to grab my pen, create a pair of handcuffs with one side fit for a wrist and the other side tiny enough to securely hold on to a pen, or lick my pen right in front of other people so they won't try and grab it (I decided that wouldn't stop anyone).
Alas, I will probably have to continue to direct people to the mug of pens right in front of them until I can rig it so a Acme anvil drops out of the sky anytime they try to take my pen.
It has become so common that I am even getting annoyed by saying, "There are pens right there for you to use."
I've had many thoughts as to how to curb this: somehow fashion a pen that has a live electrical source so that it can shock anyone who tries to grab my pen, create a pair of handcuffs with one side fit for a wrist and the other side tiny enough to securely hold on to a pen, or lick my pen right in front of other people so they won't try and grab it (I decided that wouldn't stop anyone).
Alas, I will probably have to continue to direct people to the mug of pens right in front of them until I can rig it so a Acme anvil drops out of the sky anytime they try to take my pen.
Monday, May 9, 2011
Fate Gave Me a Message
In an effort to be healthy I stopped on my way to work this morning to pick up two apples: one for today's lunch and one to leave at work for tomorrow's lunch. So, I ate my salad and picked up my organic braeburn apple and bit into what ended up being rotten mush inside a deceivingly lovely outside.
I take this as fates way of telling me to eat a candy bar instead. Thanks, fate.
I take this as fates way of telling me to eat a candy bar instead. Thanks, fate.
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Hail to the Nanny!
Those of you who know me know that I have an unnatural affection for the TV show, "The Nanny". Some people think Fran Drescher's voice is annoying, but I, for one, find it soothing enough to fall asleep to.
Ms. Drescher has a local talk show in New York and is getting a syndicated nationwide show in the fall. (Called "Tawk Show".) She recently announced that she is frustrated with the progress the President has been making and thinks she may want to parlay her show into a run for political office.
Oh Fran, we're kindred spirits.
I also have things to say and could use a TV show. I also am "the lady in red when everybody else is wearing tan". And I also think that, given the chance, I could be a better politician than some of the folks we currently have in office.
I will offer one piece of advice for you, though. During a recent interview, Fran talked about what her show would be about. She said “I’m going to talk about women who were raped because I was raped, also vegans and whether or not that’s a good thing. I’m not a vegan, but I’m curious about it...” Oh Fran, those things are not the same. I love a good non sequiter, but let's work on your talking points.
Regardless of the quotes, I'm on board for your campaign. Hail to the Nanny!
Ms. Drescher has a local talk show in New York and is getting a syndicated nationwide show in the fall. (Called "Tawk Show".) She recently announced that she is frustrated with the progress the President has been making and thinks she may want to parlay her show into a run for political office.
Oh Fran, we're kindred spirits.
I also have things to say and could use a TV show. I also am "the lady in red when everybody else is wearing tan". And I also think that, given the chance, I could be a better politician than some of the folks we currently have in office.
I will offer one piece of advice for you, though. During a recent interview, Fran talked about what her show would be about. She said “I’m going to talk about women who were raped because I was raped, also vegans and whether or not that’s a good thing. I’m not a vegan, but I’m curious about it...” Oh Fran, those things are not the same. I love a good non sequiter, but let's work on your talking points.
Regardless of the quotes, I'm on board for your campaign. Hail to the Nanny!
Friday, May 6, 2011
Is it you?!
Wednesday I got an email from my mother with the subject "IS IT YOU." Now, without reading the email I figured this was just another stupid forwarded email from my mother. You know the kind. We all have that baby-boomer generation family member(s) that forwards those the-world-is-going-to-end-unless-you-forward-this-to-five-people emails that are in 16pt., multi-colored Comic Sans font. My brother and I usually delete those without reading. I opened this one just to be sure.
Here's what it said:
good morning,
I saved this email because I just HAD to know what this girl looked like. What if she was ugly? And that's what my mother really thinks of me?!?!?! So today I finally went to HEB's website. I was so nervous. I just knew this chick was going to be busted and look nothing like me.
Okay, so she wasn't COMPLETELY off base and this chick doesn't appear to have anything growing out of her face. But really, mother? "Photos: Courtesy of Calallen High School." No, that is not me.
Plus, I would TOTALLY tell you if I was an HEB model.
Here's what it said:
good morning,
there is a pic of two girls, ONE BRUNETTE AND ONE BLONDE in the HEB May Monthly Book, filled with recipes and such that looks just you—even how she is taking a pic of her and a blonde lady—IS IT YOU???
I saved this email because I just HAD to know what this girl looked like. What if she was ugly? And that's what my mother really thinks of me?!?!?! So today I finally went to HEB's website. I was so nervous. I just knew this chick was going to be busted and look nothing like me.
Okay, so she wasn't COMPLETELY off base and this chick doesn't appear to have anything growing out of her face. But really, mother? "Photos: Courtesy of Calallen High School." No, that is not me.
Plus, I would TOTALLY tell you if I was an HEB model.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Pet Peeve of the Day
Today I was thinking about how many things irk me and realized, "I should share this with the world!" Ok, really it's just for me to vent and feel a teensy bit better. Welcome to the newest reoccurring post: Pet Peeve of the Day!
Today's PPotD: People who choose to either stop or have whole conversations in doorways. I'm not talking about someone coming to your office and stopping in the doorway to chat. I'm talking about people choosing the doorway connecting two relatively busy places as the perfect setting for small talk. People need to walk through there! Move!
Almost everyday it happens that I need to go someone (most likely the bathroom) and people are blocking the entrance and I get shot the "stop interrupting us" glare. Excuse me?! Excuse you! [That reminds me of a future Pet Peeve of the Day: People who try and have conversations with me in the bathroom.]
Can you choose a better place to stand next time please?
Today's PPotD: People who choose to either stop or have whole conversations in doorways. I'm not talking about someone coming to your office and stopping in the doorway to chat. I'm talking about people choosing the doorway connecting two relatively busy places as the perfect setting for small talk. People need to walk through there! Move!
Almost everyday it happens that I need to go someone (most likely the bathroom) and people are blocking the entrance and I get shot the "stop interrupting us" glare. Excuse me?! Excuse you! [That reminds me of a future Pet Peeve of the Day: People who try and have conversations with me in the bathroom.]
Can you choose a better place to stand next time please?
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Trump was Trumped
In the past few weeks, we’ve seen a lot of nastiness from Donald Trump regarding our current President. I’m no fan, but I don’t question his birth certificate, or his academic abilities to get into Harvard. There has been so much back and forth, you’d think that Paris and Nicole were fighting:
You weren’t born here!
Your hair is ridiculous!
You weren’t smart enough to be in the Ivy Leagues!
You’re a sellout!
And then Sunday night, the best thing happened: Obama preempted the Celebrity Apprentice.
Now, you may think that the leader of the free world has better things to do than to fight with a dufus. (Like hunting down and killing Bin Laden...well done, by the way. It’s about time). However, according to reports, Bin Laden was killed at 2:40pm central time. Then, the White House folks started contacting Congress and other fancy folks. Then, they wanted to tell all of us. They started telling us in the crawl at the bottom of the screen around 9:30pm central time. And then, during one of the dramatic fights in the boardroom, just as Nene was really getting riled up, they switched to the news around 9:40pm. Did the President speak right then? Nope. He waited a good 30-40 minutes before his address began.
I’m not saying that he purposely preempted the Apprentice to poke at Trump. I’m not saying that he could have started the news cycle when the news actually begins at 10pm, and still would have had time to spare. I’m just saying that if he did want to poke at Trump by overshadowing his TV show, this was an excellent way to do it.
Your move Trump.
You weren’t born here!
Your hair is ridiculous!
You weren’t smart enough to be in the Ivy Leagues!
You’re a sellout!
And then Sunday night, the best thing happened: Obama preempted the Celebrity Apprentice.
Now, you may think that the leader of the free world has better things to do than to fight with a dufus. (Like hunting down and killing Bin Laden...well done, by the way. It’s about time). However, according to reports, Bin Laden was killed at 2:40pm central time. Then, the White House folks started contacting Congress and other fancy folks. Then, they wanted to tell all of us. They started telling us in the crawl at the bottom of the screen around 9:30pm central time. And then, during one of the dramatic fights in the boardroom, just as Nene was really getting riled up, they switched to the news around 9:40pm. Did the President speak right then? Nope. He waited a good 30-40 minutes before his address began.
I’m not saying that he purposely preempted the Apprentice to poke at Trump. I’m not saying that he could have started the news cycle when the news actually begins at 10pm, and still would have had time to spare. I’m just saying that if he did want to poke at Trump by overshadowing his TV show, this was an excellent way to do it.
Your move Trump.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Sexy Pose?
Can someone explain to me why female musicians/actresses/reality star hootchies all pose with their mouth slightly open? Is it supposed to be sexy? I hate it. You never see men posing this way. What's so wrong with people smiling? All I ever think is, "Close your mouth - a fly might get in there!"
Friday, April 15, 2011
Adorable
My love for the adorable Jake Gyllenhaal is well known amongst my friends. First off, he does things like this:
Then manages to be even more adorable by following his Sesame Street visit with a visit to Shalom Street (yes, it is a real thing):
I <3 him.
Then manages to be even more adorable by following his Sesame Street visit with a visit to Shalom Street (yes, it is a real thing):
I <3 him.
Monday! Monday!
As a 30 year old woman I shouldn't be as excited as I am for this upcoming Monday and all because Gossip Girl is back! I may be one of the few Dan fans out there - poor Lonely Boy - so this pic might just be for me (but I hope you enjoy):
Missed Opportunity
I went clothes shopping yesterday. This is a picture of what was written on the dressing room mirror.
If only I had a dry-erase marker on me to be able to write BULLTRUE!
If only I had a dry-erase marker on me to be able to write BULLTRUE!
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Sarcasm
It's an important tool. Learn it. Know it. Be able to spot it. If you don't get my sarcasm, you make me feel like this:
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Khloe No Seatbelt
I got sucked into the Kardashian family at some point. I thought it was gross that they basically got famous because of a sex tape and large behinds (I do know that their father was a famous lawyer), but then one lazy Sunday there was a marathon of their show and I sat and watched all of it. If I put aside their talentless success, I can really enjoy their shows and subsequent spin offs.
Tonight, Khloe's spin off started, so I recorded it. So far its cute but I had one giant complaint: Khloe doesn't wear a seat belt! Now, I get really annoyed when I see people on tv not wearing a seatbelt while in a car (except on Mad Men). Yes, I know that aren't really driving anywhere and that it is all fake - but this is reality tv. Her husband was wearing his seatbelt. Why wasn't she? First I thought that maybe I just didn't see it but then they showed the preview for the rest of the season and again, no seatbelt! Arg! Seat belts save lives, Khloe - wear yours!
Tonight, Khloe's spin off started, so I recorded it. So far its cute but I had one giant complaint: Khloe doesn't wear a seat belt! Now, I get really annoyed when I see people on tv not wearing a seatbelt while in a car (except on Mad Men). Yes, I know that aren't really driving anywhere and that it is all fake - but this is reality tv. Her husband was wearing his seatbelt. Why wasn't she? First I thought that maybe I just didn't see it but then they showed the preview for the rest of the season and again, no seatbelt! Arg! Seat belts save lives, Khloe - wear yours!
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Crazy Rant of the Day
Today there have been a few things that have been bothering me.
The first one is a residual one from last night. It has to do with two things: cheaters and pansies. If you are taking a test or playing trivia at a local bar for a cash prize: Don't Cheat. Cheating sucks. You suck. But, if you cheat and your instructor or trivia host sees it and lets it happen, then they too suck and are a spineless pansy who doesn't have the cojones to speak up and stop you. Now, because of your cheating and their inability to stand up for a non-cheating environment I am angered. Thank you both for screwing over every else. [A little dramatic? Eh, I'm angry.]
The second one has to do with freeloaders at potlucks. If there is a potluck and you don't bring anything or contribute: Don't Eat. Go buy your own lunch somewhere else. Or give whoever hosted the potluck a couple bucks for napkins or drinks. At work, we have potlucks often. Once in awhile someone will forget their dish - I have no issue with them eating -it was an accident. It's the people who are never around when the sign in sheet is going around that conveniently show up in our area when the food is being served. "Oh! I had no idea you were having a potluck!" Ha. Their plate is full before even finishing that lame lie of a sentence. It's the same people that do it each and every time. The side eye I throw them is well earned.
The End.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Breakfast of Champions
Having a giant oatmeal cookie for breakfast is the same as having a bowl of oatmeal for breakfast, right?
Just tell me yes. It will make me feel better.
Just tell me yes. It will make me feel better.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
When gorillas walk they leave behind knuckle-prints.
Gorillas can walk upright; this is not new news. But did you know they also carry guns, drive pickups, and pay taxes from time to time? It's true; bulltrue, in fact. SO. I went on a date tonight. A first date! Kinda. Unless you count that *other* first date that was super fun, but was coffee and breakfast, followed by several months of radio silence. Ahem. But I digress...
I'm not a very girly girl. It's neither a point of pride nor a source of shame; it is what it is. 'Just is. But what's fun about going out with the knuckle-dragger that I had dinner with tonight is that he makes. me. feel. like a SUPER girly-girl. I still can't decide if I love him or hate him, but that's what relationships are all about, right? Passion? In any event, it's fun to feel girly, especially since I have trouble doing it on my own. So, knuckle-boy, despite all my reservations about you (i.e., not reading books; preferring anything meat over non-meat; being an anti-Obama birther -- you get the point), I would like to thank you for bringing me back to the primal state of how things *might* should probably be: you, Tarzan; me, Jane.
Btw, I haven't even watched this 2-minute clip, but I thought it might be appropriate anyway. Enjoy.
I'm not a very girly girl. It's neither a point of pride nor a source of shame; it is what it is. 'Just is. But what's fun about going out with the knuckle-dragger that I had dinner with tonight is that he makes. me. feel. like a SUPER girly-girl. I still can't decide if I love him or hate him, but that's what relationships are all about, right? Passion? In any event, it's fun to feel girly, especially since I have trouble doing it on my own. So, knuckle-boy, despite all my reservations about you (i.e., not reading books; preferring anything meat over non-meat; being an anti-Obama birther -- you get the point), I would like to thank you for bringing me back to the primal state of how things *might* should probably be: you, Tarzan; me, Jane.
Btw, I haven't even watched this 2-minute clip, but I thought it might be appropriate anyway. Enjoy.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
The Non-Parenting Parents
I work in an office where I give individuals information that will hopefully help them out and (I like to pretend) change their lives for the better. So, I expect that when someone comes to see me, they want to hear what I am saying and recognize that we are both using our time to create some sort of positive outcome. That rarely happens.
There are certain situations that bug me more than others. I just had an encounter with one: The Non-Parenting Parents.
My office is not a playpen. If you have a child and out in the waiting area you need to hold them in your lap for fear they will run away or cause destruction, do not walk into my office and immediately let them roam free. I do not have a child that comes to work with me, therefore my office has not been baby proofed.
If your child is yelling/crying/drooling and I ask the other parent - the one who doesn't need to be in here - to take the child outside, that is my way of saying: Get your yelling kid out of my office so we can get some work done. If the look on my face after you say, "Nah, that's ok" isn't telling enough, then you probably need glasses.
If I ask you to please keep your child on your lap after they threw stuff off my bookshelf or climbed on top of my filing cabinet, please don't tell me, "Just tell her 'no!' - she listens to strangers!" I am NOT your child's mother (and I have had to say that a couple times). AND if your child doesn't listen to you but listens to strangers, never take your child to the zoo (or any public place). Your child will be kidnapped:
Stranger: Hey kid - come with me.
Kid: OK!
The stranger wouldn't even have to distract your child with a lollipop. You will be the focus of a Lifetime movie.
There are many people that should not have children. I am not one of those people. I should have children - I'd be an awesome mom. But, I don't want my child growing up with yours -so I'm keeping my womb uninhabited. My kid with your bad seed child as an influence would end up being a whole other Lifetime movie and I'd rather not deal with it.
There are certain situations that bug me more than others. I just had an encounter with one: The Non-Parenting Parents.
My office is not a playpen. If you have a child and out in the waiting area you need to hold them in your lap for fear they will run away or cause destruction, do not walk into my office and immediately let them roam free. I do not have a child that comes to work with me, therefore my office has not been baby proofed.
If your child is yelling/crying/drooling and I ask the other parent - the one who doesn't need to be in here - to take the child outside, that is my way of saying: Get your yelling kid out of my office so we can get some work done. If the look on my face after you say, "Nah, that's ok" isn't telling enough, then you probably need glasses.
If I ask you to please keep your child on your lap after they threw stuff off my bookshelf or climbed on top of my filing cabinet, please don't tell me, "Just tell her 'no!' - she listens to strangers!" I am NOT your child's mother (and I have had to say that a couple times). AND if your child doesn't listen to you but listens to strangers, never take your child to the zoo (or any public place). Your child will be kidnapped:
Stranger: Hey kid - come with me.
Kid: OK!
The stranger wouldn't even have to distract your child with a lollipop. You will be the focus of a Lifetime movie.
There are many people that should not have children. I am not one of those people. I should have children - I'd be an awesome mom. But, I don't want my child growing up with yours -so I'm keeping my womb uninhabited. My kid with your bad seed child as an influence would end up being a whole other Lifetime movie and I'd rather not deal with it.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Petite Lap Giraffes
OMG, I need one!!! They are the cutest tiny animals ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You may have seen them on the Direct TV commercial:
The tiny giraffe is at 0:10 running on the treadmill and again at 0:24 with a tiny little towel around its neck, post-workout.
Or on this Direct TV commercial. He kisses the giraffe at the end.
You can go HERE to the Sokoblovsky Farms website and watch the Giraffe-Cam and see them play. As stated on the Russian website (and read in a Russian accent of course), "If not see him, don't worry he come back." heeeheeeheee!
There's a daddy named Vladmir.
A mommy named Raina.
And maybe another mommy (I don't know the dynamics of petite lap giraffe mating) named Svetlana.
The website notes that they are expecting a baby from Vladmir and Raina in 156 days. However, "this baby reserved by prince for birthday gift." Dang it! Does anyone else think this is something that Blair should be given by a suitor (not Dan--he could never afford it) on Gossip Girl?
I might (maybe, perhaps) be number 343,695 on the waiting list for a petite lap giraffe. Although I didn't have to enter any information...hmmm. Perhaps this website is all a joke. But I have seen Vladmir on the giraffe-cam. That surly can't be a joke...can it?
What do you think the pet deposit is for a petite lap giraffe in an apartment?
You may have seen them on the Direct TV commercial:
The tiny giraffe is at 0:10 running on the treadmill and again at 0:24 with a tiny little towel around its neck, post-workout.
Or on this Direct TV commercial. He kisses the giraffe at the end.
You can go HERE to the Sokoblovsky Farms website and watch the Giraffe-Cam and see them play. As stated on the Russian website (and read in a Russian accent of course), "If not see him, don't worry he come back." heeeheeeheee!
There's a daddy named Vladmir.
A mommy named Raina.
And maybe another mommy (I don't know the dynamics of petite lap giraffe mating) named Svetlana.
The website notes that they are expecting a baby from Vladmir and Raina in 156 days. However, "this baby reserved by prince for birthday gift." Dang it! Does anyone else think this is something that Blair should be given by a suitor (not Dan--he could never afford it) on Gossip Girl?
I might (maybe, perhaps) be number 343,695 on the waiting list for a petite lap giraffe. Although I didn't have to enter any information...hmmm. Perhaps this website is all a joke. But I have seen Vladmir on the giraffe-cam. That surly can't be a joke...can it?
What do you think the pet deposit is for a petite lap giraffe in an apartment?
Tiny Hats
The internet is a wondrous place. It used to be (you know, in the good ol' days) that you could only experience/laugh at/be ashamed of [the human race] the stupidity of those who you interacted with on a daily basis. It is a terrible thing for cynics, but a wonderful thing for everything else.
Now, I can laugh at and, in this case, be delighted by strangers. For example I came across this on Best Week Ever:
It immediately reminded me of this:
Tiny hats are taking over. Just don't super glue one to your head.
Now, I can laugh at and, in this case, be delighted by strangers. For example I came across this on Best Week Ever:
It immediately reminded me of this:
Tiny hats are taking over. Just don't super glue one to your head.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Thoughts That Make Me a Bad Person
I'm pretty sure this could be a recurring post: Thoughts that go through my head and are immediately followed by a wave of guilt for thinking such a thing.
This morning, I read on CNN that the President will be giving an address regarding our strategy in Libya at 7:30 pm and my immediate thought was:
Oh no! What TV show is this going to preempt?
This morning, I read on CNN that the President will be giving an address regarding our strategy in Libya at 7:30 pm and my immediate thought was:
Oh no! What TV show is this going to preempt?
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Pink Power
I just want to thank the person who came up with the pink port-a-potties. No one likes to use a port-a-potty, but there are times when you are at an event and have no other choice. The pink ones are just for women (some are unisex) and it makes such a big difference. Women are just plain neater (I won't go into details). So thank you whomever you are for making a not fun thing a little bit easier to handle.
Friday, March 25, 2011
Good Help is Hard to Find
I was going to be out of the office potentially all day because of a work thing at a different location. So the day before, I sent an email to [secretary] telling her what I needed her to do while I was gone. The email was very detailed and even included photo illustration to aid her in finding the stuff she needed to do (because I know from previous experience that she's stupid).
She emailed me a little before noon to tell me that she had been so busy answering the phones that she hadn't be able to do much of [task]. She was going to go get coffee and then would be back to work on [task].
I got done with my work thing around 1:30. I knew that [secretary] probably wouldn't be done with her work yet, so I stayed away to give her more time to complete it. I returned to the office at 3pm.
SHE HAD NOT TOUCHED [TASK]. At all. Everything was still stacked where it was on Wednesday. Fine if the phone is ringing off the hook that you cannot get up from your desk and move about the office. Fine. But 50% of the task can be accomplished from your desk without getting up. AND (!) we have phones with caller ID and call logs. Between 9:22 and 3:00 when I got back, there were 19 phone calls. That's one call every 17 minutes. That is hardly ringing off the hook.
She has NO excuse. I want her fired.
P.S.
Everyone else in my company knows she sucks too. How do I know this? My boss is having me do something today that she (in theory) should be capable of doing. But she can't. If we cannot depend on her, shouldn't she be fired? It's only fair.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
My Boyfriend's Back!
But I'm not in trouble.
For the past two weeks, I have had straight men in my house -- the first week, it was an out-of-town friend from NYC who was here for SXSW. Next, it was my ex from a year or so ago. Yes, we're still friends and we still chat from time-to-time... but why did we break up, you ask? The short answer is: he moved to another state. The long answer is far too uninteresting for outsiders; I'll spare you the details (you're welcome, btw).
It was strange having him around, but it was only a temporary thing, so neither of us cared enough to freak out about it. Sure, it was fun playing house for a few days and we both benefited from it -- he didn't have to fork out any cash for a hotel room, and I now have a clean kitchen and a freshly mowed front yard. (Ahem, *yes* I am talking about grass, the green kind.)
It's been awhile since I've shared space and had any snuggle time with a boy (sidenote: the NYC friend and I are not friends in that way). Strangely, what I noticed was that for every plus there was a minus (tiny imperfections?): I had interrupted sleep from a 6ft tall monster in my bed, but fresh coffee and breakfast made for me in the morning; a stinky boy stinking up my previously un-stinky house, but stereotypical guy chores being completed for me while I plugged away at the office during the day.
His departure this afternoon was met with equally mixed emotions -- I'm glad to have my bed back, but no longer have him around to share dinner with and curl up together on the couch; and even though he may have inconvenienced me a little, he showed his gratitude by replenishing my pantry and tackling my yard. I was excited this evening when, after a really tough brain-draining day, I opened up my fridge to find that he had left behind the best treat of all: a six-pack of beer. Just what I needed! Except... that there were only five. Ha.
For the past two weeks, I have had straight men in my house -- the first week, it was an out-of-town friend from NYC who was here for SXSW. Next, it was my ex from a year or so ago. Yes, we're still friends and we still chat from time-to-time... but why did we break up, you ask? The short answer is: he moved to another state. The long answer is far too uninteresting for outsiders; I'll spare you the details (you're welcome, btw).
It was strange having him around, but it was only a temporary thing, so neither of us cared enough to freak out about it. Sure, it was fun playing house for a few days and we both benefited from it -- he didn't have to fork out any cash for a hotel room, and I now have a clean kitchen and a freshly mowed front yard. (Ahem, *yes* I am talking about grass, the green kind.)
It's been awhile since I've shared space and had any snuggle time with a boy (sidenote: the NYC friend and I are not friends in that way). Strangely, what I noticed was that for every plus there was a minus (tiny imperfections?): I had interrupted sleep from a 6ft tall monster in my bed, but fresh coffee and breakfast made for me in the morning; a stinky boy stinking up my previously un-stinky house, but stereotypical guy chores being completed for me while I plugged away at the office during the day.
His departure this afternoon was met with equally mixed emotions -- I'm glad to have my bed back, but no longer have him around to share dinner with and curl up together on the couch; and even though he may have inconvenienced me a little, he showed his gratitude by replenishing my pantry and tackling my yard. I was excited this evening when, after a really tough brain-draining day, I opened up my fridge to find that he had left behind the best treat of all: a six-pack of beer. Just what I needed! Except... that there were only five. Ha.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Out of Office
If you send an email to my work and my automatic Out of Office message gets back to you and states I won't be back in the office until March 23, please don't send me the same email three more times before March 23. That just means I won't actually respond to you until March 27 - cause you are annoying.
UPDATE: I went back and read the emails this person sent. I didn't realize that the third one involved begging: "Please get back to me asap. I really need your help with this." Still not going to make me respond while on vacation [I shouldn't even be checking my email while on vacation. ugh.] . Also, if you are smart enough to find my information on our website, can't you find the website or phone number for someone not on vacation?
Sorry to sound so hateful towards this person who really needs my help with something, but I got a lot more angry when I read that this person wanted me to call them back, "after work hours." No. If you aren't at work then I probably aren't either. However, I wouldn't know that since you didn't include your work hours. Do you work the night shift somewhere or do you work 8-5 like I do? If that is the case, do you want me to stay til 6 (just so I won't call you while commuting) just for you?
I'm also dreading tomorrow because I bet this person also left me about 3 voicemails.
UPDATE: I went back and read the emails this person sent. I didn't realize that the third one involved begging: "Please get back to me asap. I really need your help with this." Still not going to make me respond while on vacation [I shouldn't even be checking my email while on vacation. ugh.] . Also, if you are smart enough to find my information on our website, can't you find the website or phone number for someone not on vacation?
Sorry to sound so hateful towards this person who really needs my help with something, but I got a lot more angry when I read that this person wanted me to call them back, "after work hours." No. If you aren't at work then I probably aren't either. However, I wouldn't know that since you didn't include your work hours. Do you work the night shift somewhere or do you work 8-5 like I do? If that is the case, do you want me to stay til 6 (just so I won't call you while commuting) just for you?
I'm also dreading tomorrow because I bet this person also left me about 3 voicemails.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Speed
Don't ask me why, but Speed, starring Keanu Reeves is one of my all time favorite boy movies. The kind of movie that has everything you could want:
1.) The super hot SWAT guy that you would sled out of a bus for
2.) The Wildcat who rocks a jumper and ankle socks and still gets the super hot SWAT guy
3.) The big Mexican guy.
4.) The tourist.
5.) The asian lady.
6.) The lady with 1950s glasses.
7.) The "I didn't mean to shoot the guy" guy.
This film also includes classic lines like "shoot the hostage", "don't get dead", "bomb on bus" and "I guess he lost his head".
I salute you, Speed. You and super hot Keanu with his super hot arms. You taught me that I could die from falling through an elevator, exploding on a bus or being decapitated on a subway train. You reminded me that you cannot just pull your hands through handcuffs to get them off. You also taught me that if someone is filming you and tells you not to move, DO NOT PUT DOWN YOUR PURSE.
It's nearly midnight and I've seen this movie 57 times, but I have to know how it ends. Apparently, the moral of the story is, if you're in a perilous situation and you hug Keanu Reeves, everything will be ok. And that's ok with me.
1.) The super hot SWAT guy that you would sled out of a bus for
2.) The Wildcat who rocks a jumper and ankle socks and still gets the super hot SWAT guy
3.) The big Mexican guy.
4.) The tourist.
5.) The asian lady.
6.) The lady with 1950s glasses.
7.) The "I didn't mean to shoot the guy" guy.
This film also includes classic lines like "shoot the hostage", "don't get dead", "bomb on bus" and "I guess he lost his head".
I salute you, Speed. You and super hot Keanu with his super hot arms. You taught me that I could die from falling through an elevator, exploding on a bus or being decapitated on a subway train. You reminded me that you cannot just pull your hands through handcuffs to get them off. You also taught me that if someone is filming you and tells you not to move, DO NOT PUT DOWN YOUR PURSE.
It's nearly midnight and I've seen this movie 57 times, but I have to know how it ends. Apparently, the moral of the story is, if you're in a perilous situation and you hug Keanu Reeves, everything will be ok. And that's ok with me.
Living Single
It’s getting harder and harder to be single. Not because I’m lonely; and definitely not because I feel like I need a man in my life. I’m getting tired of being on the receiving end of “The Talk.*” Not the birds and the bees talk, but the talk single women (and maybe single men) get when their friends, coworkers, distant relatives, close relatives, and even strangers find out you are single.
For example:
Cousin’s jerky husband: So, you got man yet?
Me (looking around in semi-shock, trying hard not to laugh, wondering where the hell this came from – we were talking about lunch before this): Umm, no.
Cousin’s jerky husband: You’ll find someone one day. I swear it! And when you do it will be so great! I can’t wait.
Really?! Cause I can. I’ve seen how many times your wife has cried and spent sleepless nights upset because of something you’ve done. I’ve also seen how much money of hers you’ve blown so I’m ok delaying finding that person that you think will be great for me.
Another example:
Coworker and I talking about a weird couple we just had to help that fought the whole time.
Me: Well, I guess that goes to show there’s someone in the world for everyone.
Coworker: You’ll find someone one day. I promise!
What part of you and I dealing with two crazy annoying people who obviously hated each other makes you think my statement was at all me pitying myself? Sheesh.
Third example (my favorite):
New person I am meeting for the first time: Are you dating anyone? Married?
Me: Nope.
New person: What!? But you are so pretty/cute/adorable/gorgeous.
Me: Hm. Then it must be my personality.
It’s always the assumption that I am actively, and desperately, looking for someone and at night I must go home and cry into my glass of wine and talk to my 64 cats about my lonely sad existence.
Look, I can find someone. So can all my beautiful, witty, educated, self-sufficient friends. But let me give you some examples of some of the guys my friends and myself have had dates with or dated in the past:
- Guy with no job.
- Guy with crappy job.
- Guy who cries.
- Depressed guy (different than crying guy, but he cried too).
- Guy who assumes you must listen to Matchbox 20 and other soft rock music.
- Guy who suggested you get bigger boobs.
- Fat guy who tells you to watch what you eat.
- Guy who turns out, has a girlfriend!
- Guy who loves UFC and asked, “Do you even know who Tom Brady is?”
- Guy who said, “Do you like, read books or something? Ha.”
- Guy who was a felon.
- Temper guy.
- Guy who doesn’t try to kiss you in 5 dates, then buys you lingerie.
- Guy who you didn’t know you were on a date with (cause he was just your gay friend!) til he tried to make out with you.
These, and a host of others, are people who I am not gonna settle for.
So, next time you coupled or married people want to give your single friend The Talk, think twice. Wouldn’t you like to be single? Wouldn't you like to have your bed all to yourself? Wouldn’t you like to get up and go without asking permissions of anyone? If you answered yes to any of those questions, don’t give your friend The Talk, remind them how lucky they really are.
*The Talk is usually given with sad eyes and their head slightly tilted to the side.
Duh, Hottie!
I was at multi-room dance club/bar for about 10 minutes before dude came to hit on me.
"You're beautiful."
Uh, to quote Mase..."Please, tell me something I don't know."
"I saw you walk through the room. I was sitting at the bar. Did you see me?"
No, I didn't.
Dude was so lame. I don't understand what over-25 boys think. Do you really think I'm going to bed you right here? I'm sure someone has told you that you are not ugly but definitely NOT cute enough for THAT. I am a semi-nice, respectable girl. What the eff?
Then you followed me and my friends outside. Get the hint. Not. Going. To. Happen.
Okay, so I gave you my number. Fine. My fault. I was trying to get you to go away. But your text at 1am, LAME!
"I just want to let you know that it was a pleasure meeting you. I'm sorry if I imposed on you by walking out when you left. I apologize (-: I was just taken back by meeting a girl who is as gorgeous, fine & super intelligent as you. I felt like a kid in a candy store & probably acted like one (lol). I hope that we can do lunch ond day next week. I would love to get to know you (-:"
P.S.
You do smiley faces the wrong way.
"You're beautiful."
Uh, to quote Mase..."Please, tell me something I don't know."
"I saw you walk through the room. I was sitting at the bar. Did you see me?"
No, I didn't.
Dude was so lame. I don't understand what over-25 boys think. Do you really think I'm going to bed you right here? I'm sure someone has told you that you are not ugly but definitely NOT cute enough for THAT. I am a semi-nice, respectable girl. What the eff?
Then you followed me and my friends outside. Get the hint. Not. Going. To. Happen.
Okay, so I gave you my number. Fine. My fault. I was trying to get you to go away. But your text at 1am, LAME!
"I just want to let you know that it was a pleasure meeting you. I'm sorry if I imposed on you by walking out when you left. I apologize (-: I was just taken back by meeting a girl who is as gorgeous, fine & super intelligent as you. I felt like a kid in a candy store & probably acted like one (lol). I hope that we can do lunch ond day next week. I would love to get to know you (-:"
P.S.
You do smiley faces the wrong way.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
I know what you did last week
Dear Liar I work with,
Um, why do you think that you can lie to my face and it’s gonna work? I’m really stealthy and good at what I do. So by the time I have decided to talk to someone about my “hunch” it’s already been triple-checked. And when I ask you very innocent-sounding questions while I bat my eyelashes, I am trying to give you a way out. A way to confess a harmless (not really) event to a “friend”.
If, however, instead of confessing, you lie and make it worse, you better believe that I am going to come after you with a vengeance. While some people may see a happy-go-lucky country bumpkin, I don’t. I see a pathological lying liar who lies. And that’s the worst kind. And I’m gonna take you down.
Kisses,
BW
Um, why do you think that you can lie to my face and it’s gonna work? I’m really stealthy and good at what I do. So by the time I have decided to talk to someone about my “hunch” it’s already been triple-checked. And when I ask you very innocent-sounding questions while I bat my eyelashes, I am trying to give you a way out. A way to confess a harmless (not really) event to a “friend”.
If, however, instead of confessing, you lie and make it worse, you better believe that I am going to come after you with a vengeance. While some people may see a happy-go-lucky country bumpkin, I don’t. I see a pathological lying liar who lies. And that’s the worst kind. And I’m gonna take you down.
Kisses,
BW
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
My Love Letter to Tina Fey
Dear Tina,
As everyone around me knows, I love you. Your skits on SNL (particularly this one and this one) always made me laugh; 30 Rock filled a void in my heart that Fox created when they cancelled Arrested Development and today, I pre-ordered your upcoming book Bossypants.
Pure genius. On top of being intelligent and hilarious, you seem to have a happy home life while at the same time are able to hire guest actors to play your tv boyfriends (which, by the way, you have impeccable taste - Michael Sheen, Matt Damon and Jon Hamm.) You are my idol.
I really look forward to your book, Tina. Thanks for telling it like it is and getting Brian Williams on 30 Rock so often. He is hilarious.
Love,
LL
As everyone around me knows, I love you. Your skits on SNL (particularly this one and this one) always made me laugh; 30 Rock filled a void in my heart that Fox created when they cancelled Arrested Development and today, I pre-ordered your upcoming book Bossypants.
First of all, what other actress would be ballsy enough to use this picture on her book? Second, this is the first time I have ever pre-ordered a book outside of one that had the words Harry and Potter in the title. When ordering the book I noticed these reviews (submitted by you I'm sure) on the site:
ADVANCE PRAISE FOR BOSSYPANTS:
"I hope that's not really the cover. That's really going to hurt sales." (Don Fey, Father of Tina Fey )
"Absolutely delicious!" (A Guy Who Eats Books )
"Totally worth it." (Trees )
Pure genius. On top of being intelligent and hilarious, you seem to have a happy home life while at the same time are able to hire guest actors to play your tv boyfriends (which, by the way, you have impeccable taste - Michael Sheen, Matt Damon and Jon Hamm.) You are my idol.
I really look forward to your book, Tina. Thanks for telling it like it is and getting Brian Williams on 30 Rock so often. He is hilarious.
Love,
LL
I Hate the Boyfriend Blazer
As a [professional person that wears suits], I hate the Boyfriend Blazer.
Okay, that's not true. I love the Boyfriend Blazer. I mean, come on. How cute is this?
It says, "I'm super cas, but structured. I'm laid back, but still, please, don't eff with me."
However, I wear suits for my job. Not every single day, but there is always a black blazer hanging on the back of my chair in case I need to "suit up" in a moment's notice. However, for the life of me, I cannot wear a blazer outside of work. I feel way too business-like. As if my friends would be like, "Take off the blazer, workaholic." Imagine a doctor always wearing scrubs. Or a soldier always wearing BDUs. Sad.
For those of you who don't wear suits to work, wear a boyfriend blazer from time to time. And think of me.
Okay, that's not true. I love the Boyfriend Blazer. I mean, come on. How cute is this?
Kristin Cavallari
However, I wear suits for my job. Not every single day, but there is always a black blazer hanging on the back of my chair in case I need to "suit up" in a moment's notice. However, for the life of me, I cannot wear a blazer outside of work. I feel way too business-like. As if my friends would be like, "Take off the blazer, workaholic." Imagine a doctor always wearing scrubs. Or a soldier always wearing BDUs. Sad.
For those of you who don't wear suits to work, wear a boyfriend blazer from time to time. And think of me.
How dumb are you?!?!
I had an appointment for my client and I to meet with [super important business person]. After 25 minutes [super important business person] had not shown up. I called [super important business person] because, like I said, it was super important.
"Hi, I was checking to see if you were on your way my to my office."
"I was there and no one was there. I rang the door bell."
"We don't have a door bell, so I don't think you were here."
"The one at [location]."
"Yeah. I've been here since 8:30. Did you knock on the door?"
"The blinds were open, but no one ever answered the door."
"Did you try calling my office?"
"No. I didn't have my computer since I was in my truck. I just got to my office. I can come back. It's only 15 minutes away."
"That would be greatly appreciated. And it's a business so you can just walk in."
"Well, it wasn't labeled, so I was nervous."
"Well I'm telling you, it's a business; you can just walk in."
To be fair, here is a picture of our "doorbell." The one that after our phone conversation I went outside and discovered. In case you can't tell from the black and white photo, it has been painted over and covered in dust since the Mesozoic Era. I wish I could capture the feeling of pushing the button. It does not FEEL like a working doorbell. Why would a WORKING doorbell be painted over and crusty? When you pushed the button, did you hear it ring? And why would a BUSINESS (like mine) have a doorbell?
Also, do you just go, "Oh, I guess nobody is home. [shrug]" or do you, like a non-lazy, responsible person would, call the business/business-person you were supposed to meet with about the super important issue and find out where they are? You didn't have your computer? So what?! You have an iPhone AND a Blackberry. PICK ONE and Google it. I called you numerous times and left you messages with my number. You should be able to find it in your phone(s). I also sent you numerous emails that contain my contact information. I know for a fact that your email goes to your phone(s). You also have an assistant back at YOUR office who you can call that has my contact information. You and/or your assistant also have my client's contact information. I get that you may think my client is a flake and bailed on you, but I'm a [professional] for crying out loud.
Our office didn't have a sign so you were nervous?! You are a [job title]. If you are scared of a clean, professional, wholesome business at [location] during the daylight, then you should not be a [job title]. Plain and simple. Boom, fired.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)